View Full Version : Skoon Grappies - Want ons moet lag ook.

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Jannie in die TRONK
01-24-2014, 10:56 AM
Lukas / Tom as julle voel ons mag nie lag nie verwyder dan die draad. Ek dink ons het so nou en dan 'n "chuckle" nodig in die morbiede wereld!

Kinderopvoeding - Hoe Om dit te doen.....

Wat my ma my geleer het...
Ma het my geleer hoe om te bid :
"Jy moet bid dat daardie kol op die mat uit is as ek vanaand by die huis kom"

Sy het my geleer van "time travel" :
Ek sal jou tot in volgende week in f*#$%@n klap!

Sy het my geleer pa's is slimmer en ryker as ma's :
Gaan vra jou pa! Hy weet mos altyd beter

Sy het my geleer oor plantkunde :
Lyk dit vir jou of geld op my rug groei?

Sy het my geleer om altyd nederig en klein te wees :
Mannetjie !!!

Sy het my van die weer geleer :
Dit lyk of 'n bliksemse orkaan jou kamer getref het!

Sy het my geleer van fauna en flora :
Moenie vir my vertel perredrolle is vye nie!

Sy het my geleer om myself te ontdek :
Hou op om jou soos jou pa te gedra!

Sy het my die wetenskap van osmose geleer :
Hou jou mond en eet jou kos!

Sy het my geleer van uithouvermo :
Jy sal by daardie tafel sit totdat jy jou spinasie opgeet het!

Sy het my geleer van sintuie :
Kinners word gesien en nie gehoor nie!

Sy het my geleer van humor :
Hou aan lag, dan gee ek jou iets om oor te huil ook!

Sy het my van jaloesie geleer :
Daar is duisende arm kinnertjies wat ouers soos joune begeer!

Sy het geleer dat daar 'n plek en 'n tyd vir alles is :
As julle mekaar wil vermoor, gaan doen dit buite! Ek't nou net hier skoongemaak!

Sy het my wiskunde geleer :
Sit jy alweer en tanne tel!

Sy het my logika geleer :
Want ek s so, dis hoekom!

Sy het my geleer dat wonderwerke nog kan gebeur :
Ek sal jou klap dat jy jou antie vir 'n eendvol aansien as jy my weer terugantwoord!

01-24-2014, 01:35 PM
Jannie. Die nadraai van grappies op hierdie blad kan soms snaakser as die grappies wees. Een grappie wat Kobus geplaas het, het toe in n draad oor rassisme geindig. Nie net rassisme nie maar dit was een van die lewendigste drade op die blad

Hou maar die draad vir grappies oop

Jannie in die TRONK
01-24-2014, 01:42 PM
Lukas, ek's bewus van die "tread hijacking" mens moet maar net heel van die begin af die snoeisker in l anders ontaard dit heeltemaal, dit is maar ons menslike natuur om te wil antwoord op iets.

Ek vra mooi vir al die maters hier - kom ons bly by skoon grappies en ons probeer om net daarby te bly 'samblief!

Jannie in die TRONK
01-24-2014, 01:44 PM

01-24-2014, 05:55 PM
hoop nie dis te vuil nie.

Hoekom lek 'n hond sy knolle?.....want hy kan!!

01-24-2014, 08:50 PM

Die Boer baklei en gaan aan die skel met sy werkers.
Sy vrou vat hom simpatiek aan die hand en lei hom kamer toe.
Nou gaan jy op jou knie, s sy, en praat jou hart uit teenoor die Here.

Heer, begin die boer
Johannes het weer die ploeg gebreek.
Jonas het die koeie in die gat laat val en
Karolis was alweer dronk.
Vader ek wil net graag weet of U hulle gaan kom haal of moet ek hulle vir U stuur.

01-26-2014, 01:12 AM

1. A man comes into the ER and yells. . .
'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald,
San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. 'Big breaths,'. .. . I instructed. 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes,
Seattle, WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a 'massive internal fart.'

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

Jannie in die TRONK
01-29-2014, 08:11 AM

01-29-2014, 06:51 PM
Hier is nou n mooi voorbeeld van die Nuwe Suid Afrika se vordering in die skole


01-30-2014, 11:07 PM
Hier is n T hamp wat Malema se dilema omtrent sy politieke ideologie vir hom mooi verduidelik.


Jannie in die TRONK
01-31-2014, 08:29 AM
Koos van der Merwe and Zuma entered a chocolate shop
As they were busy looking around, Zuma stole 3 chocolate bars.
As they left the store, Zuma said to Van
"Man, I'm the best thief, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no one saw me. You can't beat that.
Van replied: "You want to see something better? Let's go back to the shop and I'll show you some real stealing."
So they went up to the counter and Van der Merwe said to the shopkeeper:
"Do you want to see some real magic, man ?"
The shopkeeper replied: "Yes."
Van said: "Give me one chocolate bar."
The shopkeeper gave him one, and he ate it.
Van asked for a second bar, and he ate that as well.
He asked for the third, and finished that one too.
The shopkeeper asked: "But where's the magic?"

Van der Merwe replied:

"Check in my friend's pocket, and you'll find all three bars of chocolate."

You just CAN'T beat a BOER !!

01-31-2014, 09:09 AM
A short biography of Robert McBride, the man whos going to "watch" the police:

Born 6 July 1963
Place of birth - Addington Hospital
Hometown - Wentworth, Durban.
Schools - Fairvale High School
Interesting fact - Knows martial arts.

Early influences:

A. J. Venters Coloured and Soledad Brothers.
The Prison.
Letters of George Jackson.

Military background:

Member of Umkhonto We Sizwe.
1986 Bombed a restaurant in Durban killing 3 women & injuring 69 people.
1990 Convicted for the Durban bombing and placed on death row for murder.
1992 granted amnesty at the Truth and Reconciliation Commission (TRC) for Durban bombing.


*1997 Portugal refused to accept him as a South African ambassador.
*1998 was in a Mozambique jail for seven months for gun-running.
*1999 Charged with assaulting an employee of an escort agency in the company of underworld figure Cyril Beeka.
*2003 appointed Chief of the Metro Police of Ekurhuleni Municipality.
*2006 was involved in a drinking and driving incident after a Christmas party in Centurion. McBride was charged with drunken driving, fraud and defeating the ends of justice following the car accident.
*2007 Fired as the Ekurhuleni metro police chief.
*2011 found guilty and sentenced to a five-year prison term for drunken driving & defeating the ends of justice.
*2013 Verdict and sentence for drunken driving overturned on appeal.
*2013 Nominated as executive director of police watchdog body, the Independent Police Investigative Directorate (IPID).
*2014 Appointed as head of the IPID.

02-01-2014, 07:24 PM

Some people have the ability to sum things up in a way you wish you could. This quote came from Ken Peters, Professor of Economics in the Czech Republic.

"The danger to South Africa is not Jacob Zuma, but a citizenry capable of entrusting a man like him with the Presidency. It will be far easier to limit and undo the follies of a Zuma presidency than to restore the necessary common sense and good judgment to a depraved electorate, willing to have such a man for their president. The problem is much deeper and far more serious than Mr. Zuma, who is a mere symptom of what ails South Africa. Blaming the prince of the fools should not blind anyone to the vast confederacy of fools that made him their prince. The Republic can survive a Jacob Zuma who is, after all, merely a fool. It is less likely to survive a multitude of fools such as those who made him their President."

02-05-2014, 07:17 AM
Dit lyk my nou dat ek hier ook gelees het, die draad het klaar gedraai ha ha ha.

02-12-2014, 08:11 PM
A priest is driving down the Constantia road in Cape Town when he comes
across a baboon lying dead in the road.
He contacts the Cape Town police to inform them of his find.
A cocky black desk sergeant laughed and said: "Did you give it the last

"No" said the priest "I thought I'd inform his next of kin first".

02-16-2014, 10:41 PM
Ek hoor daar is nuwe rugby kwotas vir 2014.

Die Cheetas moet blykbaar nou vyf spelers insluit wat Engels kan praat en die Sharks moet vyf spelers insluit wat Afrikaans kan praat. Die Blou Bulle moet nou vyf spelers insluit wat rugby kan speel...

02-17-2014, 08:17 AM
En WP moet met sy B span speel om die ander n regverdige kans te gee.

02-17-2014, 09:07 AM
En WP moet met sy B span speel om die ander n regverdige kans te gee.

Ja, veral vir Boland.. Hahahaha..


02-19-2014, 01:53 PM


02-19-2014, 09:25 PM
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.

She descended a bit more and shouted: 'Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am..'

The man below replied, 'You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees south latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.'

'You must be an Engineer,' said the balloonist.
'I am,' replied the man, 'how did you know?'
'Well,' answered the balloonist, 'everything you have told me is probably technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is, I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip by your talk.'

The man below responded, 'You must be an ANC MP.'
'I am,' replied the balloonist, 'but how did you know?'

'Well,' said the man, 'you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's all my fault . .

02-23-2014, 09:05 PM
OK Test - Test......

It is only when you see the mosquito land gently on your exposed testicle that you know, not all things can be solved with violence... ;) http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/huge-facebook-chat-laughing-smiley-emoticon.gif


02-23-2014, 09:06 PM
OK Test - Test......

It is only when you see the mosquito land gently on your exposed testicle that you know, not all things can be solved with violence... ;) http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/laughing/huge-facebook-chat-laughing-smiley-emoticon.gif


03-13-2014, 07:34 AM
My buurman se motor is laasweek gesteel, maar nadat hy deur Advokaat Barry Roux ondervra is, twyfel my buurman of hy ooit 'n kar besit het.

03-13-2014, 11:20 AM
Julle is skreeusnaaks!

Hier is 'n goeie "quote" vir die dag.

"The latest Market Research found that 90% of the population of South Africa work in the iron and steel industry... some of them iron, but most of them steal...."

03-13-2014, 07:56 PM
JOHANNESBURG Severe flooding is causing havoc in Joburg and it doesnt look like it will ease up anytime soon. The newly formed Economic Freedom Fighters demanded to know if the government has any plans to curb the rapid downpour.

What is the ANC doing about all this rain? pleaded the partys Floyd Shivambu Its been raining for weeks, and I still dont see any effort being made to do anything about it.

The partys commissar responsible for policy, research and political education insisted that a nation ruled by EFF will see more urgency during a time of crisis. If the EFF were in parliament we would at least have brought the matter up for an urgent debate, he said. At present, nobodys talking about whats to be done about these storms.

Several city residents echoed Shivambus sentiments. The rain must stop, insisted Phakiso Mataitsane of Yeoville. If this continues all of Jozi will be washed down a mineshaft.

Yet again the ANC is failing to deliver, sobbed Gift Moriwa of Jeppestown. My clothes are wet. My shoes are wet. My bed is wet, and this time its not my fault.

Heavy rainfall in the central, northern and eastern parts of the country caused some damage to infrastructure, disrupted transport and several residents of informal settlements needed to be relocated.

If you vote EFF, we will give a life raft for everyone affected by flooding, promised Shivambu. We will also direct the gushing waters to ensure that the wealthier suburbs up the hills get flooded as much as the poorer areas down in the valleys.

The ANC declined to comment. However, some sources revealed that the party has allocated funds to import gondolas from Venice to integrate water-borne commuting into the public transport system.

Oh, so the ANC think they have a solution, smirked Shivambu. The last thing we need is a solution. What we want is solidification.

03-16-2014, 10:10 PM
n Ma neem haar vyf-jaar-oue seuntjie saam bank toe.

Hulle staan agter 'n gesette vrou, deftig aangetrek. Na 'n rukkie se
geduldige wag s die seuntjie:

'Sjoe, sy is vet!'

Die ma buig en fluister in die seuntjie se oor om nie so lelik te praat
van die tannie nie, en stil te bly.

'n Paar minute gaan verby en die seuntjie strek sy arms uit so wyd as hy
kan en s: 'Haar boude is so breed!' Die vet vrou draai om en gluur na die

Die ma fluister-raas kwaai in sy oor, dreig hom en s aan hom om stil te
bly. Na 'n rukkie kom die groot dame voor in die tou. Op dieselfde oomblik
maak haar selfoon 'biep, biep, biep'.

Die seuntjie skree: 'Gee pad, sy gaan reverse!!'

03-27-2014, 05:09 PM
Charlize Theron is nie die enigste Hollywood-ster met familie in Suid-Afrika nie. Na jare in die geheim het dit nou bekend geword dat die akteur Brad Pitt nog vier ander broers het. Hulle bly almal in Suid-Afrika. Die oudste broer is n boer in die Vrystaat en sy naam is Mielie Pitt. Die tweede oudste broer werk in Brakpan as 'mechanic' en sy naam is Tap Pitt. Die derde oudste broer is n vlienier en sy naam is Kock Pitt. Die vierde boet is heeltemal van koers af en skreeu blykbaar vir die SHARKS en sy naam is Stu Pitt.


03-27-2014, 07:09 PM
Dit moet die pitts wees!

03-27-2014, 08:00 PM
Ek glo nie hy is stu pitt om vir die sharks te skree nie, hy ken tenminste 'n wenspan

03-27-2014, 10:55 PM
My geliefkoosde dier.

Ons onderwyser het gevra wat my gunsteling dier is, en ek het geantwoord
"Gebraaide Hoender."

Sy het ges ek is nie snaaks nie, maar sy was seker verkeerd want al die
ander het gelag!
My ouers het my geleer om altyd die waarheid te vertel. Ek het. Gebraaide
hoender is my geliefkoosde dier.

Ek het my pa vertel wat gebeur het en hy het ges my onderwyser is seker lid
van die SPCA.

Hulle is baie lief vir diere. Ek ook. Veral hoender, gepekelde vark en bees.
In elk geval, my onderwyser

het my na die hoof se kantoor gestuur. Ek het hom vertel wat gebeur het en
hy het ook gelag.

Toe s hy ek moet dit nie weer doen nie.

Die volgende dag in die klas vra die onderwyser weer vir my watter lewendige
dier is my gunsteling.

Ek s toe dis beslis hoender. Sy vra toe hoekom, toe vertel ek haar dis
omdat hulle gebraaide hoender

daarvan maak.

Sy stuur my toe terug na die hoof se kantoor. Hy het weer gelag en ges ek
moet dit nie weer doen nie.

Ek verstaan nie. My ouers het my geleer om eerlik te wees, maar my
onderwyser hou nie daarvan as ek is nie.

Vandag vra die onderwyser ons watter beroemde persoon ons die meeste

Ek het geantwoord "Kolonel Sanders".

Raai waar is ek nou !!!!

03-28-2014, 10:16 AM
Charlize Theron is nie die enigste Hollywood-ster met familie in Suid-Afrika nie. Na jare in die geheim het dit nou bekend geword dat die akteur Brad Pitt nog vier ander broers het. Hulle bly almal in Suid-Afrika. Die oudste broer is n boer in die Vrystaat en sy naam is Mielie Pitt. Die tweede oudste broer werk in Brakpan as 'mechanic' en sy naam is Tap Pitt. Die derde oudste broer is n vlienier en sy naam is Kock Pitt. Die vierde boet is heeltemal van koers af en skreeu blykbaar vir die SHARKS en sy naam is Stu Pitt.


Ai is julle nie pitt ig vanmore nie!


03-28-2014, 02:14 PM
Verskoon maar die Engels, maar die een kan mens nie "translate" nie.

At dinner, a little boy was asked to lead the prayer.

"But I don't know how to pray," he replies.

Just pray for your family members, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.," says his father.

"Okay," stuttered the boy. "Dear Lord,... Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won't come again. Forgive our neighbor's son, who removed my sister's clothes and wrestled with her on her bed. This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my daddy's Blackberry and provide shelter for the homeless men who use mom's room when daddy is at work. AMEN"

Dinner was cancelled. (Ek wonder hoekom..)

03-31-2014, 10:28 AM

Iemand het 'n liedjie geskryf oor Zuma se skandale, en dis is vrek snaaks!

Hoop dit maak almal se Maandag minder blou...


04-01-2014, 11:56 AM
Lekker tong in die kies..

http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i158/Benbliksem/Zumaistops_zps67740d3c.jpg (http://s71.photobucket.com/user/Benbliksem/media/Zumaistops_zps67740d3c.jpg.html)

04-02-2014, 07:24 PM
Ons krag was hierdie naweek af en ek kon nie op My PC werk of TV kyk nie, of met die Playstation speel nie.

Dit het geren, so ek kon nie tuinwerk doen, gaan visvang of golf speel nie. Toe gesels ek maar met my vrou vir so n paar uur..

Sy klink na n baie aangename persoon

04-03-2014, 02:06 PM

One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a
classroom. The teacher was going to explain
evolution to the children. The teacher asked
a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree


TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass


TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see
if you can see the sky.

TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes
later) Yes, I saw the sky.

TEACHER: Did you see God up there?


TEACHER: That's my point. We can't see
God because he isn't there. Possibly he just
doesn't exist.

A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the
boy some questions.

The teacher agreed and the little girl asked
the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?


LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass

TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?

TOMMY: Yessssss!

LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?


LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?


LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we
were taught today in school, she possibly
may not even have one!

(You Go Girl!)



04-12-2014, 06:30 PM

04-13-2014, 01:17 AM

Dit maak my eie omstandighede vir my baie duidelik

04-16-2014, 08:39 AM
Teacher: "Who is the President of South Africa?"
Children: "Dingiswayo."
Teacher: "Correct & the Minister of Defence?"
Children: "Benny McCarthy."
Teacher: "Correct. What is the capital city of South Africa?"
Children: "Mangaung."

Teacher: "Very good & who composed the National Anthem?"
Children: "Ladysmith Mambazo."

Teacher: "Excellent. What do you call people from Moscow?"
Children: "Mosquitoes."

Teacher: "Perfect. How much is 2+5?"
Children: "25."

Teacher: "That's great, you're going to be stupid like this until your government increases my salary ..... !!!

04-24-2014, 03:10 PM
Man bel sy vrou vanuit die ongevalle..

"Liefie, ek's omgery nadat ek my kantoor verlaat het. Santie het my hospitaal toe gebring. Hulle het 'n hele paar toetse gedoen en X-Strale geneem. Die trauma aan my kop is pynlik, maar gelukkig het ek nie ernstige beserings nie. Ek het wel 3 gekraakte ribbes en 'n oop fraktuur op linker been, dalk gaan hulle my regter voet amputeer."

Vrou antwoord terug: "Wie de f$%^ is Santie?"

************************************************** ************************************************** ********************************

Die juffrou s die Graad 1 klas moet die werk van die bord afskryf.
Ewe skielik vlieg Jannie op

Jannie: "Juffrou, myne potlood is weg!"

Die juffrou s vir Jannie" Jannie, dis nie myne potlood is weg nie, Dis my potlood is weg, sy potlood is weg, haar potlood is weg, ons potlode is weg, hulle potlode is weg ens"

Jannie vervies hom vir die juffrou en kyk haar aan met n plooi op sy voorkop en vra: " Nou wate hel het van ali potlode geword?""

04-24-2014, 05:28 PM
n Man kom op die plaas aan waar hy net n opgeskote seun by die stal aantref..Is jou pa hier ? Vra die man Nee oom my pa is in die dorp. is jou broer gert hier ? Vra die man.. Nee oom, my broer Gert is in die koshuis en kom net elke 2 de naweek huistoe. Is daar iets waarmee ek oom dalk kan help ?
Jou broer gert het my dogter swanger gemaak se die man.

Oom sal maar met my pa daaroor moet praatek weet hy vra R 5,000 as ander mense sy bul gebruik om hul koeie te dek. Ek weet ook hy vra R 2,000 as iemand sy ram gebruik om hul ooie te dekek het egter g e e n idee wat hy oom gaan vra vir die werk wat Gert gedoen het nie !!!

05-07-2014, 06:08 AM
My dog sleeps about 20 hours a day. He has his food prepared for him.
He can eat whenever he wants.
His meals are provided at no cost to him.
He visits the Doctor once a year for his checkup,
and again during the year if any medical needs arise.
For this he pays nothing, and nothing is required of him.
He lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than he needs,
but he is not required to do any upkeep.
He makes no contribution to the running or maintenance of the house.
If he makes a mess, someone else cleans it up.
He has his choice of luxurious places to sleep.
He receives these accommodations absolutely free.
He is living like a King, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever.
All of his costs are picked up by others who go out,
work hard, and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head..........
I think my dog is a member of the ANC!

05-14-2014, 10:18 PM

Ja, dit is presies wat met my gebeur het.

05-15-2014, 11:29 AM
Ons is almal oppad soontoe :-)

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: 'Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?'
Slim says, 'I feel just like a newborn baby.'
'Really!? Like a newborn baby!?'
'Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.'

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Do I know her?'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'

Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, 'Windy, isn't it?'
Second one says, 'No, it's Thursday!'
Third one says, 'So am I. Let's go get a beer..'

A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid.
It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art.. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbour . 'What kind is it?'
' Twelve thirty..'

Morris , an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

One more. .. ..!

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream
parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.
After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

05-15-2014, 02:29 PM
Riaan is ons eie Chuck Norris.


05-15-2014, 02:30 PM
Net die oplossing vir n bring en braai, sodat ander mense nie jou kos eet nie. Die ekonomie DRUK! Wonder wat kos so n ding?


05-17-2014, 06:45 PM
Twee blondines is besig om vir hulle ’n houthuis aanmekaar te timmer.
Die een is knaend besig om spykers op te tel, na hulle te kyk en dan party weg te gooi en die ander te hou.
"Vir wat gooi jy so baie spykers weg?" vra haar maat.
"Oor hulle verkeerd om is," s die eerste blondine, "hul koppe sit aan die verkeerde kant."
"Jou onnosel ding," bits die tweede blondine," daardie spykers is vir die ander kant van die huis bedoel.

05-17-2014, 07:00 PM
Daar's twee soorte mense by 'n partytjie, die wat wil ry, en die wat wil bly.
En gewoonlik is hulle met mekaar getroud.

05-17-2014, 07:04 PM

Volgens statistici is 1 in elke 5 mense in die wreld Chinees. Ons is 5 mense in my familie, dus moet een van my familielede ook Chinees wees. Miskien is dit my ma of my pa. Of my ouer broer Frikkie. Of my jonger broer Lee Wong. Maar ek dink dis Frikkie.

05-17-2014, 07:16 PM
Tom, ek kan daardie braai vir jou bou. Ek sal net moet uitwerk wat gaan dit kos.

05-17-2014, 07:23 PM
Tom, ek kan daardie braai vir jou bou. Ek sal net moet uitwerk wat gaan dit kos.

Daar is blykbaar 'n plek in Boksburg wat die goed verkoop. Sal meer probeer uitvind.. Boksburg vlooimark - die groot een oorkant East Rand Mall.

05-17-2014, 07:34 PM
Myne moet net in die middel kan groot oopmaak. Ek hou daarvan om n moewiese groot kampvuur te maak!

Tom, ek kan daardie braai vir jou bou. Ek sal net moet uitwerk wat gaan dit kos.

05-17-2014, 08:18 PM
Myne moet net in die middel kan groot oopmaak. Ek hou daarvan om n moewiese groot kampvuur te maak!

Net oppas dat jy nie al die ouens uitrook as jy so groot vuur maak nie. (Jannie - ek toets nog - nou kry ek die selfde error en hy pos twee keer - aijajai!)

05-17-2014, 08:51 PM
Ek kry gereeld dat n pos twee keer deurgaan, vir geen rede. Dan delete ek maar die tweede een.

Terwyl ek vuurmaak staan jy weg!

05-17-2014, 09:32 PM
Kom ons kyk

Een Belgische chauffeur rijdt zijn met zand geladen vrachtauto achteruit de berg op. Verbaasd vraagt de Nederlandse uitvoerder naar het waarom van deze merkwaardige manoeuvre. De chauffeur legt uit dat je boven niet kunt keren. De uitvoerder is zeer onder de indruk van zoveel slimheid. Even later komt de geleegde vrachtauto weer achteruit naar beneden gereden. 'Ik dacht dat je boven niet kon keren?' vraagt de verbouwereerde uitvoerder. 'Jawel,' zegt de Belgische chauffeur, 'Dat dacht ik ook. Maar gelukkig kun je er toch wel keren.'

05-18-2014, 08:50 PM
Pragtige huis wat die kerel gebou het. Wat maak hy as die ANC se naam veranderings sy huis "obsolete" maak?

05-20-2014, 02:56 PM
Juffrou vra vir Jannie. "Wie het die gloeilamp uitgevind?"

Jannie s: "Ek weet nie juffrou."

Juffrou s vir Jannie: "Jy sal meer op jou studies moet fokus."

Jannie: "Juffrou, kan ek juffrou asseblief 'n vraag vra?"

Juffrou s toe:" Ja."

Jannie: "Juffrou, weet juffrou wie is Karin?"

Juffrou antwoord:" Nee Jannie, hoekom?"

Jannie: "Juffrou sal meer op juffrou se huwelik moet fokus!"

05-20-2014, 03:59 PM
Soms wonder ek wat in so 'n persoon se kop aangaan. Weet hy regtig nie dat daardie draad hom gann "byt: nie?

05-21-2014, 04:40 PM
During a robbery in Thembisa, Gauteng Province, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank:
"Don't move. The money belongs to the State. Your life belongs to you."

Everyone in the bank laid down quietly. This is called "Mind Changing Concept" Changing the conventional way of thinking.

When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her: "Please be civilized! This is a robbery and not a rape!"

This is called "Being Professional" Focus only on what you are trained to do!

When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber, Themba (28 yrs old MBA-trained and Qualified CA ) told the older robber,
Bra Shakes (50 yrs old, who has only completed Year 6 in primary school): "Big brother, let's count how much we got."

The older robber rebutted and said: "You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news
will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"

This is called "Experience." Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!

After the robbers had left, the bank manager, Mr Van Zyl told the bank supervisor, Mr Sithole to call the police quickly. But the supervisor
(Mr Sithole) said to him: "Wait! Let us take out R10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the R70 million that we have previously
embezzled from the bank". Black and white working together in democratic SA.

This is called "Swim with the tide." Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage! Or " thinking Black"

The supervisor says: "It will be good if there is a robbery every month."

This is called "Killing Boredom." Personal Happiness is more important than your job. 

The next day, the TV news reported that R100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count R20 million. The robbers were very angry and complained: "We risked our lives and only took R20 million. The bank manager and Supervisor took R80 million with a snap of their fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!"

This is called "Knowledge is worth as much as gold!"

The bank manager was smiling and happy because his losses in the share market are now covered by this robbery.

This is called "Seizing the opportunity." Daring to take risks!

So who are the real robbers here?"

05-22-2014, 07:19 AM
'n Probleem wat ek ook me sit.


05-26-2014, 11:40 PM
A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment...
The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.. My little Fifi is using that seat.."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired." She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!" This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!" An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up.
"Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

05-30-2014, 01:42 AM
Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a Texaco Gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said,

'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic.'


06-01-2014, 11:30 PM

06-06-2014, 05:04 PM
One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class.
Teacher : What kind of wife would you like Johnny?
Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon.
Teacher : Wow! What a choice... Do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?
Johnny : No, I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning...


06-10-2014, 08:45 PM

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:


1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').


2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'


3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.


4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.


5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.


7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.


8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.


9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.


10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.


11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).


12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.


13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.


14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).


15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

God Save the Queen!

PS: Only share this with friends who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor)!

06-11-2014, 06:01 AM
After dying in a car crash, three friends go to Heaven for orientation. They are all asked the same question: "When you are in your casket, friends and family are mourning over you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy immediately responds, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the great doctors of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy thinks a minute and replies, "I'd like to hear them say...... LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!!!"


06-15-2014, 09:03 PM

Ware mediese aantekeninge op hospitaalkaarte in 'n hospitaal in Mpumalanga :

1. Sy het nie saamtrekkings of koors nie, maar haar man se sy was gisteraand warm in die bed. (HAAL 1STE PRYS)

2. Pasient het borspyn as sy vir langer as 'n jaar op haar linkersy le.

3. Op die 2de dag was die knie beter, op die 3de dag het dit verdwyn.

4. Die pasient is hartseer en huil aanhoudend. Dit lyk of sy ook depressief is.

5. Die pasient is depressief sedert sy my in 1993 begin sien het.

6. Ontslagstatus: Lewendig maar sonder my toestemming. (NET IN SA)

7. Die pasient het 'n outopsie geweier.

8. Die pasient het geen geskiedenis van selfmoord nie.

9. Die pasient het sy witbloedselle by 'n ander hospitaal gelos.

10. Hy het oor die laaste 3 dae net 40kg opgetel.

11. Sy is verlam van haar tone af ondertoe.

12. Die vel was droog en klam.

13. Die pasient het wafels vir ontbyt en 'n anoreksia vir middagete gehad.

14. Hy lyk gesond vir 69. Verstandelik skerp maar vergeetagtig. (FANTASTIES)

15. Het by tye konstante ongereelde hoofpyn.

16. Rektale inspeksie het normale grootte skildklier getoon.

17. Sy was vir die grootste deel van haar lewe hardlywig totdat sy geskei is.

18. Albei borste is eenders en reageer op lig en akkommodasie.

19. Die vel is ietwat bleek maar teenwoordig.

20. Pasient het 2 tienerkinders maar geen ander abnormaliteite nie.

06-17-2014, 01:20 PM
Gammat kyk na sy oorlede pl in die kis en s: "Djyt mosi ini hiemel of ini hel geglo nie,en nou l djy hie all dressed up and nowhere to go!"

06-17-2014, 01:21 PM

06-17-2014, 07:31 PM
Ek het in die parkeerterrein gestaan toe 'n baie vuil, verwaarloosde man wat bedel by my 'n paar rand vir aandete kom vra het...Ek het my beursie uitgehaal en twintig rand in die lug opgehou. "S my as ek hierdie geld vir jou gee, gaan jy wyn daarmee koop in plaas van aandete"? "Nee, se die man, ek het jare gelede al ophou drink"! "Goed, sal jy gaan en die geld by gesellin club spandeer in plaas van om kos te koop"? "Nee, ek sal nie my tyd mors met seks nie, ek moet al my tyd gebruik om bloot aan die lewe te bly". "Sal jy die geld gebruik om dam toe te gaan"? "Is jy mal, se die man, ek vang al vir 20 jaar nie meer vis nie".
"Goed dan, ek gaan nie die geld vir jou gee nie, maar ek en my vrou gaan jou vanaand uitneem vir ete".
Die boemelaar was geskok, "Sal jou vrou nie woedend wees nie, ek is vuil en ek ruik ook nie lekker nie".
"Nee wat, dit is doodreg!………. Dit is belangrik dat my vrou sien hoe 'n man lyk nadat hy visvang en branewyn gelos het


06-18-2014, 08:21 AM
Daar is so baie imigrante in Engeland deesdae dat die volgende netsowel waar kon wees:

At a school in Birmingham starting back for the first term, the teacher began calling out the names of the pupils to check attendance:

"Mustafa Al Eih Zeri ?" - "Here Sir"

"Achmed El Kabul ?" - "Here Sir"

"Fatima Al Hayek ? " - "Here Sir"

"Ali Abdul Olmi ?" - "Here Sir"

"Mohammed Bin Kadir ?" - "Here Sir"

"Ali Son al En", silence in the classroom.

"Ali Son al En" - continued silence as everyone looked around the room .

The teacher repeated the call.

A girl stood up and said, "Sorry, Sir . I think that's me. It's pronounced Alison Allen."

06-18-2014, 10:18 AM
Ja, dit maak sin!

De betekenis van kledingmaten: S (Stop eens iets in je mond) - M (mooi maatje) - L (Let maar een beetje op) - XL (Extra Lang op dieet)

06-27-2014, 04:21 PM
Die is uitgegee vir die waarheid!

(As most will know in South Africa, the Durban July is the major annual horse "race that stops the Nation".)

East Coast Radio - Daily Question Competition, to win a CD.

Announcer - "What category question would you like".

Caller - "Sport please".

Announcer - "What's the name of the race that stops this nation?"

Caller - "Blacks"


06-28-2014, 06:28 PM
Ek weet darem nie wat ek sou gekies het nie


06-28-2014, 10:12 PM
Hoekom wil n vrou n man altyd na drank toe dryf.

06-29-2014, 08:09 AM
Hallo whiskey

07-01-2014, 09:11 PM
In die vroee 1990's word ek vroeg een oggend wakker geklop deur een van
my veewagters. Hy hou versigtig sy toe gevoude boshoed na my uit.

Toe ek die boshoed oopmaak was daar n baba muishondjie binne in. So het
ons avonture met Loopy begin. Sy was te dierbaar. Sy het as een van die
gesin groot geword.

'n Vriendelike, speelerige ou dingetjie. Die Boerboel, Bruno en die
Worshond, Chappies was haar grootste maats. Alhoewel baie mense my
gewaarsku het oor die muishond se bekendste wapen, het ek oudergewoonte
my gat aan hulle afgevee. Loopy het nooit van haar chemiese arsenaal
gebruik gemaak nie. Trouens, ek het gedink dat sy al vergeet het dat sy
oor so iets beskik het.

'n Goeie vriend van my, Dirk het een Saterdagmiddag kom kuier. Dirk se
grootste liefde was Red Heart Rum, gevolg deur vuurwapens. Hy het 'n ou
haelgeweer, van die tipe wat nog hane gehad het, saamgebring. Ons het op
die geelhout riempiesbank op die stoep gesit. Loopy het oudergewoonte op
haar kussing bo op die bank rustig gele en slaap. Dirk wou die
haelgeweer uittoets met AAA patrone. Ek het hom gekeer en vir hom 2
haelpatrone gegee waarvan die haelkorrels verwyder was. Hy het die
geweer gelaai, die hane teruggetrek en die sneller gedruk. Absoluut niks
het gebeur nie. Hy het dit drie of vier keer gedoen en die geweer wou
nog steeds nie afgaan nie.

Ek het toe die huis ingegaan om vir ons vloeibare verversings te kry.
Terwyl ek weg was het Dirk weer die haelgeweer gelaai, die keer met die
bokhael patrone. Ons het rustig gesels toe Dirk weer die haelgeweer
optel, na die sinkdak mik en die snellers druk.

Die resultaat TOTALE CHAOS. Die feit dat hy die sinkdak moer toe geskiet
het was die minste van ons probleme. Dinge het toe teen ligspoed gebeur.
Loopy het met n weersinswekkende kreet opgestyg, soos 'n tol in die
rondte gespin en haar chemiese wapen in die oortreffende trap in werking
gestel. Mense, dit was verskriklik. Toe die eerste sarsie my tref, het
ek onwillekeurig oor die stoepmuur geduik en die grond snoet eerste
getref. Bruno die Boerboel het opgespring en tjankend teen die stoepmuur
vasgehardloop. Hy het terselftertyd 'n reuse aanval van jippoguts gekry.
Chappies, die worshond, het 'n perfekte pirouette uitgevoer, gevolg deur
'n agteroor somersault wat hom 'n goue medalje op enige Olimpiese spele
sou laat wen het. Dirk het geskok opgespring, gegly op Bruno se stront,
en die sementvloer met n dowwe slag getref. Hy het toe blitsvinnig die
trappe afgeseil. Dirk, ek en die twee honde het in n toestand van
totale, absolute skok op die grasperk gehergroepeer.

Mense, die persoon wat daardie stank op papier kan bewoord is nog nie
gebore nie. Dit was onbeskryfbaar. Dit het geruik asof elke sweetgaatjie
wat jy het in 'n dooie rot verander het. Ons het bewend van skok en
ongeloof op die grasperk gestaan. Trane van verontwaardiging en
selfbejammering het oor ons wange gerol. Die honde het so gebewe en
geruk dat ek enige oomblik verwag het dat hul gaan beswyk. Hulle was te
bang om genoeg asem te skep om te tjank. My vrou het die deur oopgeruk
en dadelik weer toegeslaan. Sy het twee oorpakke en n blok seep deur d
ie ruit in ons rigting geslinger en ons duidelik in kennis gestel dat
ons nie die huis sou betree alvorens ons die stank afgewas het nie. Op
daardie stadium het Loopy, met haar kenmerkend oulike draffie, die
trappe afgekom om te kom kyk waaroor die bohaai gaan.
Die honde het, vreesbevange en tjankend, stert tussen die bene, koers
gekies skaapkraal toe. Dit was die eerste keer in my lewe dat ek gesien
het dat 'n Boerboel net so vinnig, indien nie vinniger, as 'n Windhond
kon beweeg. Ek en Dirk het met n spoed die Akkerboom bestyg.

Loopy het gelukkig omgedraai en haar middagslapie op die bank gaan
Ons het toe, redelik haastig, na die sinkdam toe beweeg om die stank af
te was. Dit was winter in Standerton. Die water was net net bo
vriesspunt. Dit het ons geensins gepla nie. Ons het ingeduik en dadelik
begin was. Dit het nie baie gehelp nie. Ek dink dat 'n rioolplaas soos
Old Spice deodorant in vergelyking met ons sou geruik het. Die honde,
wat redelik skrikkerig was vir water, het instinktief besef, dat indien
hulle wou oorleef, ook sou moes bad. Hulle het toe ook in die dam

Nadat ons gewas en aangetrek het, wou ons die huis binnegaan. Die
Riller, met wie ek op daardie stadium getroud was, het volstrek geweier.
James, wat in die tuin gewerk het, het die klerasie wat ons ten tyde van
die aanval aangehad het, op n hoop gehark, met diesel deurweek en aan
die brand gesteek. Ons het toe maar besluit om in die skeerskuur te gaan
Gewapen met n sak stronke, n swannie braaier, pak wors en n bottel
mampoer het ons onself maar tuisgemaak in die stoor. Dit was n droewige
en onvergeetlike nag. As die koue ons nie wakkergehou het nie was dit
die stank of die honde se nagmerrie oor die dag se gebeure. Ons het
vroeg die volgende oggend weer in die sinkdam gespring. Hierde keer het
dit darem gehelp.

Loopy het, Goddank, tot haar afsterwe nooit weer haar chemiese wapentuig
benut nie. Ek, Dirk en die honde het haar tot haar einde toe, met nuwe
respek, gekoppel met 'n doodse vrees, bejeen

07-02-2014, 05:57 PM
'n Boer en sy vriend stap eendag in die veld.
Die boer stop toe by 'n vars miskoek en steek sy vinger in die mis en smeer dit aan sy lippe.
Sy vriend vrae toe hoekom hy dit doen. Hy se toe dit is vir skurwe lippe.
Die vriend vra toe of dit werk.
Die boer se nee, maar dit keer dat hy sy lippe natlek.

07-02-2014, 09:49 PM

07-02-2014, 09:52 PM
Die polisie het by my kom kla en se my hond jaag iemand op n fiets toe se ek vir hom my hond het nie n fiets nie.

07-03-2014, 12:04 AM
Die ene op die wysie van "Ek's 'n dapper muis"... ;-)

Eks n dapper kameraad, kyk hoe stap ek op jou plaas
En daars niks waarvoor ek skrik nie.
Ek soek jou beeste en jou huis en die moola in jou kluis
Nee daars niks waarvoor ek skrik nie

En wie gaan dit betaal
Oe, betaal?
Ja, betaal voor die bank dit als kom haal
Nou ja, buiten vir betaal, is daar niks waarvoor ek skrik nie!

Eks n dapper kameraad, kyk hoe stap ek op jou plaas
En daars niks waarvoor ek skrik nie
Gee jou skape ook vir my en die kar waarmee jy ry
Nee daars niks waarvoor ek skrik nie

En wie koop al die kos
Oe, die kos?
Ja die kos anders vrek die diere mos
Nou ja, buiten vir betaal en kos is daar niks waarvoor ek skrik nie!

Eks n dapper kameraad, kyk hoe stap ek op jou plaas
En daars niks waarvoor ek skrik nie
Kyk hoe vat ek jou Johan Deere en jou ploeg en jou geweer
Nee daars niks waarvoor ek skrik nie

En wie gaan diesel koop
Oe, diesel koop
Ja diesel koop dat die trekkers aanhou loop
Nou ja, buiten vir betaal en kos en diesel koop is daar niks waarvoor ek skrik nie!

Eks n dapper kameraad, kyk hoe stap ek op jou plaas
En daars niks waarvoor ek skrik nie
Kyk hoe braai ek vir my vleis in die lapa by jou huis
Nee daars niks waarvoor ek skrik nie

En wie ploeg dan die land
Oe, die land
Ja die land sodat jy kan mielies plant
Nou ja, buiten vir betaal en kos en diesel koop en lande ploeg is daar niks waarvoor ek skrik nie!

Eks n dapper kameraad, kyk hoe stap ek op jou plaas
En daars niks waarvoor ek skrik nie
Ek is van die ANC en jy moet als vir my gee
Nee daars niks waarvoor ek skrik nie

En wat as dit nie ren en die vee is vel en been
En die boorgate is droog en die lammers wil nie soog
En die mielies wil nie groei en jy moet die enjins bloei
En die dam wat begin lek en die skape wat wil vrek
En die mielieprys is laag en die beeste het n plaag
En die kunsmis is te min as die planttyd moet begin
En die drade moet weer heel want jou bokke word gesteel
En jy moet jou kinders voer, maar die plaas is in sy M*#R!

Waars jy?

Eish! Ek soek hom nie die plaas nie Morena!

07-03-2014, 08:25 PM

07-06-2014, 08:04 PM

07-23-2014, 04:56 PM
Moeilike ou se vrou in hof vir winkeldiefstal....
Landdros: "Wat het jy gesteel?"
Sy: "'n blik perskes"
Landdros: "Hoeveel perskes was daarin?"
Sy: "6"
Landdros: "6 dae tronkstraf"
Haar ou man skreeu daar van agter uit die banke: "Sy't 'n blik ertjies ook gevat!"

07-26-2014, 07:40 PM
An Afrikaner guy, an Aussie, a beautiful girl and an old woman are sitting in a train.
The train suddenly goes through a tunnel and it gets completely dark.
Suddenly there is a kissing sound and then a slap!
The train comes out of the tunnel.
The old woman, beautiful girl and the Afrikaner guy are sitting there looking perplexed.
The Aussie is bent over holding his face, which is red from an apparent slap.
The old woman is thinking: 'That Aussie must have tried to kiss that girl and got slapped.'
The Aussie is thinking: 'Damn it, that Afrikaner guy must have tried to kiss the beautiful girl. She thought it was me and slapped me instead.'
The beautiful girl is thinking: 'That Aussie must have moved to kiss me, but kissed the old lady instead and got slapped.'
The Afrikaner guy is thinking: 'If this train goes through another tunnel, I could make another kissing sound and moer that Aussie again!'

07-26-2014, 08:30 PM
OK, dis snaaks!

07-31-2014, 04:21 PM

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.

He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?"

The girl replied in a loud voice: "I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; He was truly embarrassed and moved to another table. After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and
said with a laugh:

"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"

The guy then responded in a loud voice:


All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to make people pay for their stupidity."

07-31-2014, 04:23 PM
The only seat available on the train was directly adjacent to a well-dressed middle aged French woman and the seat was being used by her dog.

The weary American soldier on furlough from the Afgan war asked, "Ma'am, please move your dog. I need that seat."

The French woman looked down her nose at the American, sniffed and said, You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"

The Soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog.

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there?". I'm very tired.

The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted

"You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant....!"

The American didn't say anything else, he leaned over, picked up the dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat.

The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her honour and chastise the American.

An English man sitting across the aisle spoke up indignantly

"You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.

You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."

07-31-2014, 09:16 PM

08-01-2014, 07:40 PM
Die ANC is gestig in 1912. In 1948 het die Nasionale Party aan bewind gekom met sy apartheidsbeleid. Die ANC het niks van apartheid gehou nie. In die tydperk van 1960 is uMkhonto we Sizwe (MK) as militre vleuel van die ANC en Poqo om dieselfde rede vir die PAC gestig.
MK se eerste wapen was n .22 enkelskoot geweertjie. Met die hulp van Rusland en China is dit verander na AK-47 outomatiese aanvalsgewere, RPGs (Rocket Propelled Grenade Launcher), ens.
MK/Poqo en die NP-Regime het niks van mekaar gehou nie. Die twee het met soveel entoesiasme begin oorlog maak dat daar vandag nog gehuil word oor die skade wat beide kampe aangevang het.
In die 1980s was ek woonagtige op Williston in die Noord-Kaap. Om een of ander rede moes ek n formele ete bywoon in die Kaap. Per abuis beland ek aan tafel regoor n joernalis van die Cape Times. Na hy my n ruk lank uitgevra het oor die Noord-Kaap en Williston, maak hy die volgende stelling: Die land is in rep en roer en oorlog, maar daar op Williston is dit so gevrek, daar is mos niks nuuswaardig wat ooit daar gebeur nie.
My eer was so n bietjie gekrenk en toe besluit ek om hom die volgende ware storie te vertel.....
Die Suid-Afrikaanse Polisie het n tip gekry dat MK of Poqo, wapens van Mosambiek na die Kaap wil smokkel. Een van die moontlike roetes was deur Williston Calvinia. Een of ander blinkmeneer korporaal-generaal van die SAP het Williston se SAP opdrag gegee om n 24 uur lange padblokkade op te rig by die Fraserburg-Williston-Calvinia padkruising.
Omrede die SAP in Williston net uit n driemanskap bestaan, is die hulp van die Suid-Afrikaanse Weermag se Williston Kommando ingeroep om stoppergroepe weerskante van die padblokkade te vorm indien iemand deur die padblokkade sou jaag. Twee onwillige boere is opgeroep om die stoppergroep op die treinbrug net voor die dorp te vorm. Hulle opdrag: bly wakker, en laat geen verdagte voertuig verby jaag nie.
Williston is n klein dorpie. As jy te laat rem trap is jy dwarsdeur die dorp. Bedags gaan daar nie veel aan nie. Snags is dit so stil jy kan n man hoor snork op Sutherland. Nodeloos om te s dat die twee boere besluit het om sterk versnaperinge saam te vat vir die lang vervelige nag.
Geen voertuig het verbygery nie. Hier teen tweeuur die nag, het een van die boere n lig sien nader kom. Uiteindelik n verdagte voertuig wat hulle dalk op kan skiet. Toe die twee agterkom dis die Makkadas-trein na Calvinia, het hulle dadelik besluit dat die trein baie verdag lyk en gestop moet word.

Een boer het op die spoorlyn met sy R1 gaan staan en die trein gestop. Die ander een was dadelik by en het die masjinis en sy assistent uit die trein gedwing, op hul pens op die grond laat l met hulle hande agter die kop. Die twee verbaasde treindrywers is ondervra oor hulle vrag, roete en vir wie hulle werk. Hulle was veral verbaas oor die gedurige vrae na moontlike drank in een van die trokke. Uiteindelik is hulle toegelaat om verder te ry. Die ontstoke treindrywers het onmiddellik op Calvinia, n klag van aanranding by die Suid-Afrikaanse Spoorwegpolisie teen die twee kommandolede ingedien.
Die S.A. Spoorwegpolisie het nie geweet wat om te doen nie, en het die saak oorgegee aan die S.A. Polisie. Omrede die SAP nie geweet het hoe om die situasie te hanteer nie, het hulle die saak oorgegee aan die S.A. Weermag. Die SAW het nie juis geweet wat om te doen nie en het die S.A. Kommando Hoofkwartier opdrag gegee om die twee te straf. Die Kommando Afdeling het geweier want dit was n Suid-Afrikaanse Polisiepadblokkade waar hulle net gevra is om te help. Die probleem het al hor gestyg. Regshulp is ingeroep, maar die prokureurs en die advokate het nie raad gehad nie. Want watter wet is oortree?
Op die ou end moes die Minister van Verdediging, die Minister van Polisie en hul adjunk-ministers bymekaarkom om die saak op te los. Dit het misluk, niemand wou bes gee nie en n ooreenkoms kon nie bereik word nie. Later is die saak in die parlement bespreek. Die saak is op die ou end laat vaar, want nog nooit voorheen in die Suid-Afrikaanse geskiedenis het n opgeroepte kommando-lid, wat val onder die weermag, by n polisiepadblokkade, n wet oortree wat die spoorwegpolisie moes ondersoek nie!
Die storie het nooit die koerante gehaal nie, want toe die Cape Times joernalis blykbaar die Minister van Verdediging kontak en vra oor die insident is die volgende antwoord deur een van sy raadgewers verskaf: Geen kommentaar, hierdie sensitiewe inligting kan die veiligheid van die land weerloos maak teen Russiese aggressie, die Geheime Polisie en Buro van Nasionale Intelligensie is besig om die saak te ondersoek.
Mooi man! - vir God, Volk en Vaderland! (.... en moenie van pa, ma, sussie en my meisie vergeet nie, asseblief.)
Blykbaar het een van die boere net sy skouers opgetrek en ges: die opdrag was dat alle voertuie moet stop by die padblokkade, n voertuig het wiele, di trein het baie wiele gehad.

08-04-2014, 05:51 PM
Its very dark in here!?

http://i1366.photobucket.com/albums/r767/akska1/60dbced9-4ee3-4c8b-a16d-0105fe60e4aa_zpsc71ef07c.jpg (http://s1366.photobucket.com/user/akska1/media/60dbced9-4ee3-4c8b-a16d-0105fe60e4aa_zpsc71ef07c.jpg.html)

08-04-2014, 08:00 PM
Hau.... where's the light??

08-05-2014, 06:21 AM
Meeste rebelle groepe het o k sulke donker brille in Afrika op

08-05-2014, 07:42 AM
Meeste rebelle groepe het o k sulke donker brille in Afrika op

Dit maak hulle "invisible" - as hy jou nie kan sien nie kan jy hom ook nie sien nie..

08-05-2014, 03:37 PM
Vrou kom in die kombuis net om haar man
daar te kry met 'n vlieeplak in sy hande
"Wat doen jy?" vra sy
"Jag vliee" antwoord hy
"O" al eniges dood geslaan?" vra sy.
"Yep, 3 Mans, 2 Wyfies," antwoord hy.
Vra sy "Hoe kan jy hulle uit mekaar ken?"
Hy antwoord: "3 was op 'n bier blikkie, 2 was
op die blackberry."

08-07-2014, 04:21 PM
While suturing a cut on the hand of a 75 year old South African farmer, whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.
Eventually the topic got around to Zuma and his role as our president.
The old farmer said, 'Well, ya know, Zuma is a "Post Turtle''.
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him, what a 'post turtle' was.
The old farmer said, 'When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a 'post turtle'.

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's face so he continued to explain. "You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb ass put him up there to begin with."

08-07-2014, 05:10 PM
What is the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One is a superhero. The other is a command.

08-07-2014, 05:51 PM
Jy soek nou vir iets waarvoor ek die hele tyd weghardloop.

08-08-2014, 11:19 AM
Maths Question for Capetonians

Gatiep is testing Maraai's maths one day and asks her...

"If I give you R5 million, minus 17%, how much would you take off?"

Maraai replies, "Alles.....bra, panties, rok......flippen alles."

08-08-2014, 01:53 PM
Hahaha... ai Lukas! Lekker lag ek nou! Dis maklik! Moenie sulke gewaagde "commands" gee nie!

08-10-2014, 07:54 PM
A Durban man dies and goes to hell… When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him.
The devil then says : “sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”
The man says, “No problem. Im from Durban.”
So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes back to the Durban man to see how hes doing.
To the devils surprise, the man is doing just fine.
“No problem…just like Durban in November,” the man says.
So the devil goes back over to the thermostat, and turns the temperature up to 150, and the humidity up to 90.
He then goes back over to see how the Durban man is doing.
The man is sweating a little, but overall looks comfortable.
“No problem. Just like Durban in January,” the man says.
So now the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 200, and the humidity up to 100. When he goes back to see how them man is doing, the man is sweating profusely, and has taken his shirt off.
Otherwise, he seems OK.
He says, “No problem. Just like Durban in February.”
Now the devil is really perplexed. So he goes back to the thermostat, and turns the temperature down to MINUS 150 DEGREES.
Immediately, all the humidity in the air freezes up, and the whole place (meaning Hell) becomes a frigid, barren, frozen, deathly cold wasteland. (Hell has frozen over)
When he goes back now to see how the Durban man is doing, he is shocked to discover the man is jumping up and down, and cheering in obvious delight.
The devil immediately asks the man whats going on.
To which the Durban man replies…..

08-13-2014, 02:26 PM

08-14-2014, 07:27 AM
EFF Accuse Zuma of Witchcraft After Two Mermaids Where Found in Nkandlas Fire Pool
The two mermaids that were found swimming inside Nkandlas fire pool

EFFs motor mouth, Julius Malema, has accused President Jacob Zuma of practicing witchcraft. This after two mermaids were found in Nkandlas fire pool, allegedly alive and kicking.

A leaked picture of the mysterious mermaids has been circulating social networks throughout the week, with many expressing their shock while others painted the gory photo as fake.

However, in a statement issued by presidential spokesman, Mac Maharaj, the two mermaids were confirmed as real.

The president of the republic, Jacob Zuma, would like to set on record that although the two mermaids were discovered in a pool situated inside his Nkandla homestead, he was not aware of their existence. The Office of the Presidency will be in a better position to comment once an investigation by the security cluster has been concluded, the statement read in part.

Opposition parties, particularly the EFF, were quick to accuse Zuma of witchcraft, sighting that he used the mermaids to protect him from being recalled from the seat of power.

In the black community, we have what we call ukuthwala ho rwala. People would consult sangomas for power and protection, which often comes in a form of muti and/or a snake which lives in a bedroom no one is allowed to go into

It all makes sense now. Zuma was accused of rape, fraud and corruption with hard core evidence presented before the court of law, but still walked free. His mermaids protected him, Malema told reporters.

The two mermaids were allegedly executed and transported to an undisclosed research laboratory in Durban.

Twitter: @L_Tabloids
Facebook: Lifestyle Tabloids

08-14-2014, 07:30 AM
Hier is die kiekie


08-20-2014, 12:41 PM
http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i158/Benbliksem/Koei_zps9b73b563.jpg (http://s71.photobucket.com/user/Benbliksem/media/Koei_zps9b73b563.jpg.html)

08-21-2014, 11:54 AM
The R100 note!

In Parliament recently, an ANC MP related the following account in
praise of the President:-

"There was a father who gave a R100 note to each of his three sons and
told them to buy something that would completely fill up a room.

The first son bought a load of hay for R100 - but couldn't fill the
room completely.

The second son bought a load of raw cotton for R100 - he also couldn't
fill the room completely.

The third son was wise and bought a candle for R1 - he lit it up and
the room was completely filled with light."

The proud MP declared: "Our President Jacob Zuma is like the third son.
From the day he has taken charge of his office, our

country is filled with the bright light of prosperity !"

After the thunderous applause died down, a voice from the DA bench asked:

"So, where is the remaining R99 ?"

The whole country is asking this same question!!

08-21-2014, 02:12 PM
Janna, daai is nie 'n grap nie maar 'n tragiese waarheid - Skitterend!

Explaining the rules of cricket to an American

You have 2 sides; a team that's in and a team that's out.. two men in the team that's in go out and when one of the men who's in is out; the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out; the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out.
When a man goes out to go in; the men who are out are trying to get him out; and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay out all the time and they decided when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have been out; and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game.

That's the wonderful game of cricket

08-22-2014, 09:49 AM

08-23-2014, 09:16 PM
Dankie Danie


08-24-2014, 04:05 PM

08-24-2014, 06:22 PM
Is dit nie bietjie fyn gesny nie ?

08-25-2014, 01:40 PM
Die is nogal waar, as hulle maar net sou luister.


08-25-2014, 08:05 PM
And this is how the fight started...

The Unreasonable Mother-in-law

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a
Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's when the fight started....

The Unreasonable Wife

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started....

____________ ____________________

The Humour-less Wife

I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started....

____________ ____________________

The Mis-informed Wife

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and
she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at
a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after
we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober
"My World!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that
And that's when the fight started....

_________ _______________________

The Dangerous Wife

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to
take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something
more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched
silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only
a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said,
"When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


The Lazy Wife

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And that's when the fight started....

__________________________ ______

The Humourless Husband

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked the boat up to the van,
and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was
blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio,
and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into
the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up
to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered,
"The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid
husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's when the fight started....

________________________ ________

The well rounded Wife

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that's when the fight started....

__________________________ ______

The Soft Husband

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify
my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and
come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and
she processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the
Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten
disability, too.'
And that's when the fight started....
______ _________________________ _

The Masochistic Husband

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I
look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And that's when the fight started....

08-26-2014, 11:47 AM
So word 'n "hijack" beplan en uitgevoer.


08-26-2014, 01:28 PM
Pinocchio, Snow White and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day.

As they walk, they come across a poster on a wall which reads:
"Contest to find the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I'm going to enter!" says Snow White.
After half an hour she comes back and they ask her,
"Well, how'd you do?”
"First place!" says a beaming Snow White.

They continue walking and they see another poster:
"Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering!" says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
"First place!" answers Superman confidently. "Did you ever doubt it?"

They continue walking when they see a third poster:
"Contest to find the greatest liar in the world!"
Pinocchio says "This one is mine!"
Half an hour later he’s back – but crying like a baby!
"What on earth happened?" they ask him.

“Who the hell is Jacob Zuma?!” asks the devastated Pinocchio.

09-06-2014, 03:06 PM
Heaven & Hell

HEAVEN is where:

The police are British

The chefs Italian

The mechanics are German

The lovers are French

and it's all organised by the Swiss

HELL is where:

The police are German

The chefs are British

The mechanics are French

The lovers are Swiss

and it's all organised by the Italians!!

09-07-2014, 04:52 PM

09-08-2014, 02:26 PM
Moet nie oumense (Oupas en Oumas) onderskat nie.

14 Grandparents Walked On Stage. The Judges Weren't Impressed, Until They Did THIS!
By John

Hands down… this is my absolute favorite talent show performance OF ALL TIME! Ever! I thought I knew what was happening when these grandparents came out, but I wasn’t even close. I’m not alone, though. No one saw this coming! not even the judges on Britain’s Got Talent – and they’ve seen it all! The act starts off sweet enough, but if you keep watching, you’ll see that these men and women (some of them in their 80s) still know how to rock! Age is just a number!

World, meet the Zimmers. I have a feeling this group would be a blast to be a part of. Don’t you? I’m in love, love, LOVE! Be sure to SHARE!


09-10-2014, 02:36 PM
A personalised weapon.


09-10-2014, 04:11 PM
EK wonder nou of hy by die Pew baan lekker ge-pew het?

09-11-2014, 07:16 AM
Mnr C Maritz
Graspan 10
21 Maart 2013
Die Direkteur

Aan wie dit mag aangaan


Hiermee bevestig ek, Chris Maritz ID nr xxxxxx 5178 5555, dat ek Mnr Koos van Dyk ID nr xxxxxx 5047 555 en woonaagtig te 21 Liszt Place, Walmer Heights, 6070, reeds etlike jare ken as persoon en dat hy al menige kere by my gejag het op Graspan.

Ek ken regtig nie ‘n meer joviale ou as Koos nie. Elke aand om die vuur is hy die man wat die hardste kuier, en as hy mooi gesuip is, is hy so vriendelik om sy pistol te gaan haal om skote in die vuur te skiet sodat die ander ouens kan fotos neem. Hy het al van sy jagmaats raakgeskiet, maar dit was net vleiswonde wat getuig van sy uitstekende skietvernuf, en veiligheidsbesef. As verdere bewys van sy goeie skietvernuf kan ek getuig dat hy die enigste ou is wat nog by my gejag het, wat die rondawel se ligte almal kon uitskiet met net een magasyn.

In die veld is hy ook bobaas, en skiet gewoonlik nie meer as 10 skote op ‘n bok nie, wat natuurlik teen daardie tyd ‘n duidelike spoor van bloed en pensmis los. Dit maak spoorsny kinderspeletjies, so ons is altyd redelik vroeg terug by die huis om die vuur aan te steek en ‘n paar biere te knak.

Hy is werklik ‘n topjagter en op my plaas het hy al spesies soos springbok, koedoe, Brahman, ‘n dorperooi, en ‘n perdemerrie geskiet. Die vulletjie het ons maar hans groot gemaak.

Koos is ‘n rustige ou wat nie maklik sy humeur verloor nie, en was nog net twee maal aangekla van aanranding. Dit was ook nie eintlik regtig aanranding nie, en die een ou kan nog goed sien met sy linkeroog. Die ander ou was in elk geval ‘n p**p*l en het gekry waarna hy gesoek het.

Sy vrou reken ook dat hy nie baie hard slaan wanneer hy dronk is nie.

Reik asb sy lisensie uit so dat hy sy eie wapen kan gebruik en nie myne nie.

Baie dankie

Chris Maritz

09-15-2014, 03:03 PM
http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i158/Benbliksem/Misdaad_zpsc7a7443c.jpg (http://s71.photobucket.com/user/Benbliksem/media/Misdaad_zpsc7a7443c.jpg.html)

09-16-2014, 09:17 AM
Farmer Joe was in his car when he was hit by a truck. He decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough to take the trucking company (responsible for the accident) to court. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe. "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'?" said the lawyer.

Farmer Joe responded, "Well I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...." "I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question."

"Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"

Farmer Joe said, "Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."

The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."

Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me. He said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"

09-19-2014, 06:28 AM
A farmer named Van was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Limpopo when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.

The driver, a young black man in a n Armani suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the farmer,
'If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?'

Van looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers; 'Sure, Why not?'

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg , Germany .

Within mere seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data is stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the farmer and says, 'You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.'

'That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,' says Van

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then Van says to the young man, 'Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?'

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,
'Okay, why not?'

'You're a Member of Parliament for the ANC Party', says Van.

'Wow! That's correct,' says the yuppie, 'but how did you guess that?'

'No guessing required!, answered the farmer. 'You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows...this is a herd of sheep. . . .Now give me back my dog!'

09-23-2014, 04:24 PM

09-23-2014, 09:13 PM
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing.

I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says,

'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'
I said, 'WHAT??!! -- What was that?!'
So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'
She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her.

We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store..

I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits.

She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.

She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit'
We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you... She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck.

I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.
I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all Dear, let's go to the cashier.'
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled, 'WHAT?'
I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.

You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.'
And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, --

'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...

09-26-2014, 08:38 AM
Afrikaanse Les

Vraag - Verduidelik die verskil tussen "gratis" en "verniet".

Antwoord - Malema het gratis skoolonderig ontvang, maar dit was als verniet.

09-26-2014, 05:42 PM
Gratis is mahala en verniet is hopeloos ? haha en daar vang ek myself uit dat ek nie altyd klaar lees nie.

09-26-2014, 07:52 PM
Uittreksels van graad 5 kinders se geskiedenis vraestel se antwoorde

* Nog 'n belangrike uitvindsel was die bloedsomloop. Dit het verhoed dat jou bloed stilstaan, wat stilstuipe veroorsaak.

* Salomo het driehonderd vroue en nog sewehonderd bye-vye gehad. Nie almal van hulle het gesteek nie, maar hy was gelukkig baie slim en het 'n plan uitgewerk.

* Egipteland was bewoon deur mummies en hulle het almal op hulle hero-gleuwe geskryf en vir hulle pappies gewys. Hulle het in die Sarah-woestyn gewoon en het waterbeurte gehad van die min ren..
Die klimaat was so erg dat al die inwoners op ander plekke gebly het, en net naweke huistoe gekom het om sandkastele te bou. Die boesmans het in hulle tuine gewerk.

* Moses het die Hebreeuse slawe na die Rooi See gelei waar hulle ongesuurde brode gebak het, dit is brood wat sonder enige bestanddele gemaak is en baie soet is van te min suurdeeg. Moses het die berg Sianied uitgeklim om die tien gebooie te kry.

* Die Egiptenare was 'n hoogs gekulde volk en sonder hulle sou ons nie 'n geskiedenis gehad het nie. Hulle het omtrent al die kafees in Egipte gehad. My ma s hulle het baie mites gehad wat seker in die kombuis gewerk het.

* Demokrates was 'n beroemde Griekse wysheid wat rondgeloop en mense raad gegee het..... Hy is dood omdat hy verskriklik oordosis of so iets. Na sy dood het sy loopbaan dramaties agteruitgegaan.

* In die ou Olimpiese Spele het die Grieke kaal paal gespring, zol geswaai, en disnis gegooi. Hulle was ook lief vir budgie-jump, omdat daar niks anders was om te jump nie.

* Johanna van Arkel het van 'n stapel brandwonde gesterf. Hulle het haar met 'n blaasbalk aan die brand gepomp, tot haar hare afro geraak het van skrik.

* Koningin Elizabeth was die "Maagdekoningin". As 'n koningin was sy 'n sukses, maar nie as 'n maagd nie. Sy het haar volk se probleme aangetrek. En was altyd mooi geklee.

* Dit was 'n tydperk van groot uitvindsels en ontdekkings. Gutenberg het die wynpers uitgevind. Hy het die slaweklokke gelui deur dit in die wynpers vas te draai dat die wyn spat.

* Die grootste skrywer van die Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
Hy is in die jaar 1564 gebore en die geskiedkundige mense dink dit was op sy verjaardag. Hy het nooit geld gemaak nie, en is net beroemd oor die toneelstukke wat hy geskryf het. Hy het tragedies, komedies en historektomie geskryf. Romeo and Juliet is een voorbeeld.

* Abraham Lincoln het Amerika se grootste presedent geword.
Lincoln se ma is dood toe sy nog 'n maagd was en hy is gebore in 'n houthut wat hy met sy eie hande gebou het in die franse evolusie.

* Johann Sebastiaan Bach het baie komposisies geken en het so ook baie kinders gehad. Hy is dood sedert 1750 tot vandag toe. Bach was die beroemdste komponis in die wreld, amper soos Hndel. Hndel was half-Duits, half-Italiaans en half-Engels wat Hollangs gepraat het.

* Beethoven het musiek geskryf al was hy doof. Hy was so doof dat hy harde musiek geskryf het. Hy het ver in die woude gaan loop selfs al het almal na hom geroep. Beethoven het in 1827 opgehou bestaan en dis
hoekom hy later dood is. Hy het rooi hare by geboorte gehad toe noem sy ma hom Beethoven. Sy hare het egter na sy eerste bad heelwat verander.

* Die negentiende eeu was 'n tyd van baie uitvindsels. Mense het opgehou om met die hand te reproduseer en met toestelle begin reproduseer.

* Die uitvinding van die stoomboot het 'n netwerk van riviere laat ontstaan, waarna die mense gevlug het as die water te warm raak van die stoom wat afgeblaas word.

* Die Toekoek is 'n vol wat nie haar eie eiers kan l nie.

* Parallelle lyne ontmoet mekaar nooit nie, tensy jy een of altwee van hulle buig.

* 'n Sirkel is 'n lyn wat sy ander end ontmoet sonder om te end. Daarom is dit moeilik om sy end te kry, voordat jy dronk word.

* Die maan is 'n planeet net soos die aarde. Daar bly net een man wat baie gelukkig is. Een keer 'n jaar raak sy koeie mal en spring oor die maan.

* Vegatiewe voortplanting is 'n proses waarin een individu per ongeluk 'n ander individu vervaardig waarop net die ouma trots is.

* Koolstofmonoksied is 'n reuklose gas wat verskriklik stink.

* Peter Stuyfgestaan is 'n geskiedkundige figuur, want hy het sigarette uitgevind en begin rook. Hy het so baie gerook dat die niekoetien-kolle in sy onderbroek duidelik sigbaar was.

09-29-2014, 09:17 PM

















2 - Don't waste ammunition.

3 - Whiskey makes you think you're smarter than you are.

4 - Always, always make sure you know who has the power.

5 - Don't mess with old women; they didn't get old by being stupid...

10-07-2014, 03:19 PM
Irish doctors apprentice

A doctor in Dublin, feeling overworked, wanted to get off work and go fishing,
so he approached his assistant.

"Murphy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I
want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Murphy.

The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks: "So,
Murphy, how was your day?"

Murphy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had
headache so he did, so I gave him Paracetamol."

"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had indigestion and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did
sir" says Murphy.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the tird one?" asks
the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door flies open and a young
gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she
tears off every item of her clothing and then lies down on the table and

"HELP ME for the love of St Patrick! For five years I have not seen any

"Murphy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

10-07-2014, 03:26 PM

"If you want to change the world, do it when you are a bachelor. After marriage, you can't even change a TV channel..."

Listening to wife is like reading the terms & conditions of a website.
You don’t understand it but you still accept it.

Chess is the only game in the world, which reflects the status of the husband;
the poor king can take only one step at a time ....
While the mighty queen can do whatever she likes.

Why do most Indian women request for the same husband, in the next life -
how can you let such good training go to waste?

All Men are Brave,
Horror Movies don't scare them....
But 5 Missed Calls from Wife ...surely does

What's Checkmate?
You tell your wife “I saw a lady, looked exactly like you" & wife asks "WAS SHE GORGEOUS..??"
You can’t say 'No' and you can’t say 'Yes' – now that’s Checkmate!

Depressed Husband to his fat wife: "You are my only investment, that has doubled.''

10-07-2014, 03:58 PM
Daar doen 'n "oumens" toe weer sy ding.

A friendly Albert Einstein look-alike named Ray Jessel performs his funny original song "What She's Got..." on NBC's America's Got Talent.

This 84-Year-Old Man Surprises 'America's Got Talent' Judges with Naughty Original Song.


10-09-2014, 04:04 PM
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy.

Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg.

Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums.

The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known.

He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth!

10-13-2014, 09:23 PM
Teacher: "Who is the President of South Africa?"
Children: "Dingiswayo."
Teacher: "Correct & the Minister of Defence?"
Children : "Benny McCarthy."
Teacher : "Correct. What is the capital city of South Africa?"
Children: "Mangaung."
Teacher : "Very good & who composed the National Anthem?"
Children: "Ladysmith Mambazo."
Teacher: "Excellent. What do you call people from Moscow?"
Children: "Mosquitoes."
Teacher: "Perfect. How much is 2 +5?"
Children: "25."

Teacher: "That's great, you're going to be stupid like this until your
government increases my salary ..... !!!

10-17-2014, 05:42 PM

1) You can't count your hair.

2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.

3) You can't breathe when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

Ten (10) Things I know about you:

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face, and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.

You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category.

Have a great Day. Laugh, and then Laugh and sing.

It's a Beautiful Morning even when it's not.

"Do not regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many.

10-17-2014, 09:54 PM
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.
I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.
"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"
"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?
I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and hunting."

10-18-2014, 11:29 AM
An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 AM and was asked where he was going at that time of night.

The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late."

The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied,

"Well , that would be my wife."

10-19-2014, 09:53 AM
Cannibal family on holiday at the beach.
Very nice girl walks pass
Son: " Dad, shall we eat her?"
Dad: "No silly - we will take her home and eat your Mom"

10-19-2014, 09:55 AM
They say so many people Die because of Alcohol...
......They never realized how many are Born because of it.

10-19-2014, 09:57 AM
Cleverness is not wisdom.

10-19-2014, 08:43 PM

10-20-2014, 04:56 AM
Hahahah In die geval is dit so waar!!!

10-24-2014, 01:05 PM
The following was developed as a mental age assessment by the School
of Psychiatry at Harvard University . Take your time and see if you
can read each line aloud without a mistake. The average person over
60 years of age cannot do it!

? This is this cat.

? This is is cat.

? This is how cat.

? This is to cat.

? This is keep cat.

? This is an cat.

? This is old cat.

? This is fart cat.

? This is busy cat.

? This is for cat.

? This is forty cat.

? This is seconds cat.

Now go back and read the third word in each line from the top down and
I bet you cannot resist passing it on.

10-24-2014, 08:35 PM
Dit het gewerk

10-29-2014, 09:16 PM
1) Baas toets blond se wiskunde: "As ek vir jou R5 miljoen minus 10% gee, hoeveel trek jy af?" Blond: "Als Meneer!.... Skoene, rok, bra, pantie - ALLES!"

2) 'n Engelssprekende vrou gee geboorte. Sy vra die 'blonde' Afrikaanse suster aan diens: "Is it a boy?" Suster: "Nee mevrou, dit is 'n wit kind."

3) Gatiep: Gammat, wasse honne het djy?
Gammat: Haskies.
Gatiep: Ek vra wasse honne het jdy man....
Gammat: Haskies!!!!!!!!
Gatiep: Ag voetsek - Djou dowe fool !

4) Koos maak 'n ongeluk. Hy s vir die polisieman: "Ek vermoed die bestuurder van die ander kar is dronk." Polisieman: "Ai meneer, die ander kar is dan 'n koei.....!"

5) Mike vra Kallie - Is Portugal ver? Kallie se nee, hy glo nie, want daar was Portugese saam met hom op skool en hulle het almal met fietse gery!
6) Man hardloop kaal in die bos. Twee olifante sien hom. Een s:'Kyk hoe maer is hy!' Die ander een s: ' G'n wonder nie, kyk waarmee moet hy eet!'

7) Man vat sy siek vrou Dokter toe. Na die ondersoek s die Dokter vir man, 'Ons het hier met 'n baie lelike ding te doen.' Man s: 'Ek weet Dok, maar sy is regtig goed vir die kinders'.

Koop jou gat nou en sien hom later!

10-30-2014, 11:54 AM
Dit het gewerk

Die een werk nog beter, ek't dit al 'n paar keer getoets met die boggers wat my bel om gemors aan my te smous - O, ja en Etol se skuld eisers ook!


10-31-2014, 12:10 AM

Toe hoem it mei konsern,

I want to aplaai for the job what I saw in the courant.

I can Taaip reelie kwiek wit one finggar and doo sum a countieng..

I thienk I are good on the phoune and I nou I am a piepels person, Piepels reelie siem to respont to me well. Certin women and all the menn. I nou my spellieng is not to good but I find that I Offen can get a job throe my persinaletie.

My sellerie is open sou we can diskas wat yoe want to pei me and wat yoe thienk that I am wort,

I can start iemieditely. Thank yoe in atwaans fore yore anser.

houpfulie Yore best apliecant sou farr.

lotty (short for Laurette)

PS : Bekorse my resimay ies a bit short - below is a piekture of me.


Employer's response:

Dear Lotty,
Alles is reg my skattebol!, ons het darem spell check, jy begin Maandag.

11-03-2014, 03:16 PM

11-03-2014, 03:17 PM

11-04-2014, 01:47 PM

11-04-2014, 02:09 PM

11-05-2014, 07:11 PM
'n Foto spreek n 1000 woorde


11-06-2014, 05:50 PM

Jacob Zuma has resigned from his position as President of the Republic of South Africa.
He has not yet confirmed this verbally, nor has he released the letter of resignation. Still, it is accepted that he has resigned. We may or may not have resigned for him: it doesn’t matter who resigned him, only that he has resigned. Those of us who know and accept that he has resigned will simply spread the word that he’s resigned until it is known from one end of South Africa to the other that he has resigned, and that anybody who says otherwise – including Zuma himself – is woefully mistaken on the matter.
This is not a petition: it’s the declaration of an accomplished fact. This accomplished fact may take a few weeks or months for Zuma to admit. But he has certainly resigned. It is something that doesn’t need courts, processes, tribunals, committees, parliaments and advisers to acknowledge. They’re absolutely wonderful but Jacob Zuma’s resignation doesn’t depend on their acknowledgement. It doesn’t even depend on his. It depends onours. He’s resigned because we acknowledge that he’s resigned. In short, “He’s Resigned” – #HesResigned, #ZumasResigned
Spread that. Yell it from the rooftops. Tell it on the mountain. Share it on twitter. Tell your friends and family. One by one, your friends, families, colleagues and neighbors will also see it. How could they have doubted it for an instant? Zuma has resigned, no matter what even Zuma says on the matter. He doesn’t call the shots. WE do. He doesn’t confirm the facts. WE do. We confirm that he has resigned. No President can lead people who resolutely believe and accept that he’s resigned. If he speaks, we’ll chant, “You’ve resigned!” and accept nothing beside.
He’s resigned. It’s a fact whether he acknowledges it or not. Presidency can be so stressful – so many decisions to make, problems to solve and people to please. Among these many stressors, Jacob Zuma may have forgotten that he’s resigned. This is understandable and we’ll pardon these effects of this strain, and relieve him of his duties. Because he’s resigned.
The Office of the Presidency may deny that this has happened. It doesn’t matter, for we will simply chant, “He’s resigned!” in spite of their denial. In its confusion, the media will release reports that say he hasn’t resigned. In response, we will simply click the reply button and say #HesResigned in the comments section. We will write letters to editors, gently correcting them, saying #ZumasResigned. On forums, in message boards, on every conceivable platform, we will say, #ZumasResigned.
Oh, I can already hear the protests. “But – but – this is treason, it’s silly, it’s sedition, it’s untrue, it can’t be, it’s a rumour…!” So? He’s resigned, and the brief consequences of highlighting this fact cannot postpone the inevitable. And it’s inevitable because it’s happened already. And it’s happened already because WE say it’s happened already.
We will say #HesResigned on our Facebook statuses and on our bumper stickers. We will wear t-shirts that say #HesResigned. We will raise funds, buy advertising space and put up billboards and adverts saying, #ZumasResigned. That alone will cause colossal damage to the image of the government until the embarrassment is overwhelming. Then they’ll have to get rid of him. But it doesn’t even have to go that far. If every person who realizes that he has resigned just spreads this news, as news, it will become news. We will tell stories that begin with the words, “Remember when Jacob Zuma was President…” regardless of whether he has given his resignation in or not. We will consign him to the archives of history whether he is ready to be consigned or not. Why? Because he’s resigned. #HesResigned #ZumasResigned
There is no need for him to deny or affirm this fact. There is no need for the media or society to investigate the news: we are now deciding and creating the news just as President Zuma has decided and created the truth about Nkandla (and other issues) all along. How can it be a mere rumour that he’s resigned if so many people are saying the same thing?
Spread the news. Jacob Zuma has resigned.

11-08-2014, 08:44 AM

11-09-2014, 12:14 AM
Hahah Baie skerp.

'n Vrou bel die Nelspruitse Polisiestasie en s:
'My man het twee dae gelede aartappels gaan koop en is nog nie terug nie!'
Daar is 'n lang pouse voor die polisievrou verbaas s:
'Eish Madam! Kan jy nie maar iets anders kook nie?'

11-11-2014, 09:39 AM
Afrikaans bly darem maar skerp!!!

Fanus Rautenbach s: ons moet almal eendag sterwe, maar elkeen sterf volgens sy beroep:

Reisigers gaan heen.
Jagters gaan bokveld toe.
Parlementslede op die groen kussings gaan sag heen.
Die melkman en die posman kom om.
Kokke steek lepel in die dak.

Die horlosiemaker se tyd het aangebreek.
Die valskermspringer ontval ons.
Die tuinier is van die gras af gemaak.
Die melkboer het die emmer geskop.
Die begrafnisondernemer sien sy gat.

Die dominee het die tydelike met die ewige verwissel.
Die ouderling is ontslape.
Die koerantman is direk hemel toe.
Die skeidsregter het sy laaste asem uitgeblaas.
Die dokter se hart het gaan staan.

Die elektrisin se liggie is gedoof.
Die koster het die doodsklok hoor lui.
Die kleremaker se draad is geknip.
Die Springbokrugby-afrigter kom tot rus.
Skoonmoeder - die duiwel het haar kom haal.

11-11-2014, 09:46 AM

Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband, Ted, passed away
She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret ....

"Do you think he means her first,
second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied, "I think he means her legs, Ethel . . .her legs."

11-12-2014, 10:30 AM
kook en geniet

11-16-2014, 02:56 PM
5. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

11-16-2014, 03:44 PM
http://i71.photobucket.com/albums/i158/Benbliksem/PositiveAtt_zps11be5b02.jpg (http://s71.photobucket.com/user/Benbliksem/media/PositiveAtt_zps11be5b02.jpg.html)

Thursday night I gradually woke up, stiff as a plank, in a Hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous
nurse hovering over me. It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.

She looked at me deep & steady and I heard her slowly say, "you may not feel anything from the waist down."

I managed to mumble in reply, "can I feel your breasts, then?"


11-16-2014, 06:12 PM
Lol, hier by ons is dit nou so koud dat ek voel om OBS in daardie bottel te sit

11-18-2014, 04:24 PM
Bill Gates has resigned as the 'Chairman Of Microsoft', after receiving a letter from Julius Malema.

It Read:

Dear Sir I have some questions to ask.

Numba won) The keyboard alphabets are not in order, when will you launch the correct version?

Numba too) There is a 'Start' button but no 'Stop' button, where is it?

Numba three) I have already learned Microsoft word, when will you launch Microsoft Sentence?

Numba for) There is a recycle bin but... Can't seem to find it . Why?

En finally eh personal question. Why is your name Gates when you sell Windows?

11-18-2014, 08:50 PM
Jewish Cabbie

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"
The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."
The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or ass sweetie, what are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell,M'am,
I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself,'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?

11-22-2014, 04:00 PM
This Article Was Placed in the Personal columns of a daily newspaper in

To the well dressed black dude who tried to mug me on Durban Beachfront
three nights ago

I was the guy wearing the black denim jacket that you demanded that I
hand over along with my wallet, shortly after you pulled the knife on my
Girlfriend & I, threatening our lives.

You also asked for my girlfriend's purse, rings and earrings too.

I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment when I drew my
pistol after you took my jacket. The evening was not that cold, and I
was wearing the jacket for a reason.
My girlfriend had just bought me that Glock pistol for Xmas, and we had
picked up a new 'fast draw' shoulder holster for it that very evening.
Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed
at your head wasn't it, especially when I blasted that one and only shot
right past your right ear and out to sea?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from
bare footed with your ear bleeding and ringing like a church bell, since
I made you leave your expensive shoes, Nokia cell phone, and wallet with
me. That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come
help mug us again.

After I called your mother, or "Mama" as you had her listed in your
cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done, fortunately she
Spoke English too, and she seemed very shocked, said you worked at a
local bank and wouldn't do what I was telling her you had done. Anyway, I
then I went and filled up my petrol tank as well as four other people's
In the petrol garage on your credit card. The guy with the big V8 Jeep
took R800 alone, and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Joe Kools, along with all
the cash in your wallet. That made his day!

I then threw your wallet into the big 7 series Beemer that was parked
at the curb ...... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed
the entire driver's side of the car. I know that this bling car belongs
to a local enforcer and bouncer.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone.
Vodacom just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for
A little over a day now, so what's going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the local
ANC office and one to the bureau of state security (Intelligence
Services) too, while mentioning President Zuma and Julius Malema as my
probable targets. The state security guy seemed really intense and we
had a nice long chat - I guess while he traced your number etc.

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you .... But I
feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for
your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some
of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you
have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career
path you've chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.
Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,


11-23-2014, 11:47 AM
Zuma se BBBEE contrakteurs lyk my het hom ook ore aan gesit, nou steel sy bure die vreeslose heining..


11-23-2014, 11:50 AM
Maar, daar's nog...


11-23-2014, 01:52 PM

11-24-2014, 03:54 PM

11-24-2014, 05:01 PM
Die verskil tussen Jag en karfoefel

1. Maak nie saak hoeveel wyn jy gedrink het nie, jy bly lus vir Jag.
2. Mens kan heel dag en heel naweek Jag.
3. Jy hoef nie jou jagtydskrifte weg te steek nie.
4. Die Tien Gebooie verbied nie jag met verskillende jagmaats nie.
5. Jou jagmaat is nie gepla oor jou vorige jagmaats nie.
6. Dis heel aanvaarbaar om saam met ‘n totale vreemdeling te jag.
7. Jy sal nie blind word as jy alleen Jag nie.
8. Daar is geen Jagverwante aansteeklike siektes nie.
9. Jy hoef nie Jag op te gee wanneer jou Jagmaat belangstelling verloor nie.
10. Jy sal nooit jou Jagmaat hoor s nie: “Wat? wil jy alweer Jag? Ons het Dan net laas week gejag. Is Jag AL waaraan jy kan dink?”
11. Om SAFE te jag sit jy net die Gun op safe.
12. Jy kan foto’s van jou Jag op Facebook sit.
13. Jy kan met verskillende gewere Jag.
14. Jy kan jou werksvriende saamnooi op ‘n Jag.
15. Jou Jagmaat raak self lus vir Jag.
16. Oupa kan ook nog Jag.

11-25-2014, 11:45 AM
Kry die kinders uit die vertrek uit.. Nie geskik vir 'n oop kantoor nie.



11-25-2014, 02:35 PM
F, ek f hopie hy't 'n f lisensie gekry nie.

11-28-2014, 08:14 PM
A little golf story

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying:"God bless Mommy , God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy , God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy Moley , thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."

He practically went into shock.

He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived ; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me this morning. My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson."

11-28-2014, 08:15 PM
The Barber

A old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut,
But he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek
To spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.

But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied,"Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".

11-28-2014, 08:53 PM
Talk about hot air...


12-02-2014, 01:28 AM
Dankie Danie. Ek wonder soms waar jy die goed uitkrap.


12-09-2014, 12:20 AM
Gekry op Maroela Media

Voorbladnuus in 1947 op Die Transvaler: die stad kom tot 'n stilstand weens 'n 35 minuut lange kragonderbreking! (Foto via @DanniTwiet [Danilla van Heerden] op Twitter)

http://i1371.photobucket.com/albums/ag290/tomakska/10488364_856110257761998_4909673226016206222_n_zps cba3928a.jpg

12-09-2014, 10:53 PM
Iets waaraan jy dalk kan dink as jy nognie vir vroulief ietsie vir kersfees gekoop het nie.


12-10-2014, 03:13 PM

12-10-2014, 07:20 PM
Conclusive evidence

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago

Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British"

One week later, the Cape bulletin, in South Africa , reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Muldersdrift , South Africa , Lucky Simelane, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing (azikolo). Lucky has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless.

Just makes you proud to be South African, doesn't it!

12-11-2014, 02:19 PM
Two guys, Tebogo and Tshepo, are sitting at their favourite bar, drinking beer.
Tebogo turns to Tshepo and says, "You know, I’m tired of going through life
without an education. Tomorrow I think I’ll go to the community college
and sign up for some classes." Tshepo agrees that it’s a good idea.
The next day, Tebogo goes down to the college and meets the Dean of
Admissions, who signs him up for four basic classes: Math, English, History,
and Logic.

"Logic?" Tebogo asks, "what’s that?"
The dean says, "I’ll show you. Do you own a lawnmower?"
"Then logically speaking, because you own a lawnmower, I think that you would have a yard." "That’s true, I do have a yard."
"I’m not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house!"
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." "I have a family."
"I’m not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife." Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be heterosexual."
"I am heterosexual. That’s amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a lawnmower."

Excited to take the class now, Tebogo shakes the Dean’s hand and leaves to go meet Tshepo at the bar. He tells Tshepo about his classes, how he has signed up for Math, English, History and Logic.

"Logic?" Tshepo says, "What’s that?"
"I’ll show you," says Tebogo. "Do you have a lawnmower?"
"Then you’re gay . . . . .!"

12-18-2014, 08:19 AM

12-18-2014, 08:44 AM
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.

Sigmund Freud

.................................................. ............

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.


.................................................. .............

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.


.................................................. .........

'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one didn't.'

James Holt McGavra

12-19-2014, 03:46 PM
Gaan eet vanmiddag by Ocean Basket

Merk n bord teen die muur op. Aan die bokant netjies opgeverf staan die woord SPECIALS.

Dan die volgende geskryf in skoolkryt met groot vet letters:

Buy One
Get One

Dan kleiner verder af onder toe:

Castle Drought

Dan nog n entjie verderf af en in n kleiner skrif as die bokant hom:

Carrafe House wine

Dan die laaste sin, weer kleiner letters as die vorige een:

During all Springbok Games

Ek sit hierdie skrywe so en kyk en dink aan al die spesiale aanbiedinge wat so mildelik in advertensietydskrifte hierdie tyd van die jaar aangebied word. Sommige aanbiedinge word begelei met die woorde Free Gift

Nou weet ek nie. As ek een koop is ek nie veronderstel om een te kry nie? Wat ek kry as ek een koop, is dit n droogte Castle of n Castle wat droog is? Die alternatief is dat hulle Castle opgedroog het. Siende dat die enigste Springbokke wat ek ken die Springbok rugbyspelers is, en hul wedstryde vir vanjaar alreeds afgehandel is, beteken wat daar in my boek geskryf staan, jy kan hoegenaam nie n droogte Castle of andersins n Castle wat droog is koop en een kry nie want dit is opgedroog aangesien die wedstryde afgehandel is!!

Wat die Kersfees spesiale aanbiedinge betref: Is n geskenk nie veronderstel om gratis te wees nie?

Miskien moes ek die Carrafe House wine probeer het. (Ek weet egter nie wat dit is nie).

Help my, waar sit ek die pot mis?

12-22-2014, 12:31 PM
Conclusive evidence

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago

Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York bulletin: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British"

One week later, the Cape bulletin, in South Africa , reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Muldersdrift , South Africa , Lucky Simelane, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing (azikolo). Lucky has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Africa had already gone wireless.

Just makes you proud to be South African, doesn't it!

12-29-2014, 07:01 AM

01-01-2015, 07:31 PM
Daar is 'n ou grappie oor Port Elizabeth, oftewel PE, waar die lugwaardin aan die toiletdeur klop en aankondig: “PE, Meneer!” En dan antwoord hy: “Nee, ek was net my gesig.”

01-01-2015, 07:37 PM

Gesprek op Nuwejaarsdag: "Ek onthou 2014 asof dit gister was"

01-03-2015, 09:01 PM

01-06-2015, 12:55 PM

01-06-2015, 08:08 PM

01-07-2015, 08:01 AM

01-07-2015, 04:37 PM

01-11-2015, 12:46 AM
Brakpan Grappies @BrakpanGrappies Feb 19

Jannie v Brakpan kyk hoe sy tannie poeier op haar baba gooi. Jannie: Tannie moenie sleg voel nie, ons hond het ook vlooie.

01-12-2015, 06:31 AM
* Salomo het driehonderd vroue en nog sewehonderd bye-vye gehad. Nie almal
van hulle het gesteek nie, maar hy was gelukkig baie slim en het n plan

* Nog n belangrike uitvindsel was die bloedsomloop. Dit het verhoed dat
jou bloed stilstaan, wat stilstuipe veroorsaak.

* Peter Stuyfgestaan is n geskiedkundige figuur, want hy het sigarette
uitgevind en begin rook. Hy het so baie gerook dat die niekoetien-kolle in
sy onderbroek duidelik sigbaar was.

* Egipteland was bewoon deur mummies en hulle het almal op hulle
hero-gleuwe geskryf en vir hulle pappies gewys. Hulle het in die Sarah-woestyn gewoon
en het waterbeurte gehad van die min ren. Die klimaat was s erg dat al
die inwoners op ander plekke gebly het, en net naweke huistoe gekom het om
sandkastele te bou. Die boesmans het in hulle tuine gewerk.

* Moses het die Hebreeuse slawe na die Rooi See gelei waar hulle
ongesuurde brode gebak het, dit is brood wat sonder enige bestanddele
gemaak is en baie soet is van te min suurdeeg. Moses het die berg Sianied uitgeklim
om die tien gebooie te kry.

* Die Egiptenare was n hoogs gekulde volk en sonder hulle sou ons nie
n geskiedenis gehad het nie. Hulle het omtrent al die kafees in Egipte
gehad. My ma s hulle het baie mites gehad wat seker in die kombuis gewerk het.

* Demokrates was n beroemde Griekse wysheid wat rondgeloop en mense
raad gegee het. Hy is dood omdat hy verskriklik oordosis of so iets. N sy
dood het sy loopbaan dramaties agteruitgegaan.

* In die ou Olimpiese Spele het die Grieke kaal paal gespring, zol
geswaai, en disnis gegooi. Hulle was ook lief vir budgie-jump, omdat daar
niks anders was om te jump nie.

01-12-2015, 06:30 PM

01-14-2015, 01:43 PM

01-17-2015, 06:28 AM

A black guy and Murphy go into a pastry shop.

The black guy whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't even notice.

The black guy says to Murphy, "You see how clever we are? You Paddies can never beat that!"

Murphy says to the black guy, "Watch dis, any Paddy is smarter din you, and I'll prove it to ya."

He says to the baker, "Gimme a cookie, I'll show ya a magic trick!" The baker gives him the cookie, which he promptly eats.

Then he says to the baker, "Gimme anudder cookie for me magic trick." The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.

Then he says again, "Gimme one more cookie..." The baker is getting angry now, but gives him one anyway.
He eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, "OK... And now where is your famous magic trick?"

Murphy says.... "Now look in the black guy's pocket!

01-17-2015, 07:15 PM

01-18-2015, 10:56 AM

01-19-2015, 08:19 AM

01-19-2015, 03:41 PM
http://i1372.photobucket.com/albums/ag341/akska2/EmotionalBlackmale_zpsccca7e07.jpg (http://s1372.photobucket.com/user/akska2/media/EmotionalBlackmale_zpsccca7e07.jpg.html)

01-20-2015, 10:59 AM


01-20-2015, 07:35 PM
Bongo-Bongo-Bongo daar's [email protected] in die Kongo.!!!!

01-20-2015, 07:57 PM
Hierdie gekry op Praag. Dink dis briljant!!!!

Hulle beplan om Zuma poppies te maak wat slegs met pap batterye werk. As jy dit aanskakel doen dit vir tot agt ure niks - mits dit heeltemal pap is. En as jy in weerwil wel werkende batterye insit en jy skakel dit aan, stink dit totdat die batterye pap is...

01-21-2015, 08:29 AM
Die voorvader geeste sal jou seker help met die een.. http://www.sherv.net/cm/emo/funny/1/baseball-bat-smiley-emoticon.gif


01-21-2015, 09:02 PM
A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single, and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

"OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'

The cabbie fullfils his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.

But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK.........my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween Party.'

01-23-2015, 10:47 AM
With which of the following names are you not familiar?

1. Robert Mugabe
2. Julius Malema
3. Jacob Zuma
4. Giuseppe Riccardi
5. Schabir Shaik
6. Winnie Mandela
7. Tiger Woods

Did you battle a little with number 4?
You know all the #$$holes, sluts, thieves & cheaters, but you don't know who the Pope is!

01-23-2015, 11:25 AM

01-23-2015, 07:40 PM
Brakpan sixpack

02-04-2015, 09:01 AM
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Adelaide, Australia they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.

At a session, the priest asked Giuseppe, a second generation Italian immigrant, and approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes to share an insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nice, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I took her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!
Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for the 50th wedding anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."

02-04-2015, 12:42 PM
Die van u wat Scubaduik sal presies weet hoe voel 'n mens as so iets met jou gebeur.


02-05-2015, 11:06 AM
Ten minste is die perd eerlik in een opsig..


02-10-2015, 02:55 PM
Jinne die ding laat my so bietjie bloos maar op n manier verstaan ek die dokter.


02-12-2015, 09:42 AM

02-18-2015, 10:50 AM
Soms lyk dit tog of dit 'n oplossing kan wees, wie nie wil hoor nie moet voel.


02-18-2015, 12:03 PM

02-18-2015, 12:38 PM
Dis maar die ou storie. Eers verduidelik jy en dan beduie jy.

02-18-2015, 01:15 PM
Waarvoor staan die letters ANC?

02-24-2015, 12:57 PM
Anderdag kom Lukas hier verby en so in die gesels erken hy toe ook dat hy aan O.V.O. - Dis maar 'n blixem..

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ ++++++++++++++++++++++++

Ek is tog so bly daar is 'n naam vir hierdie siekte

dit laat my beter voel, al is ek self 'n lyer!

Ek is onlangs met O.V.O. gediagnoseer:

Ouderdomgedrewe Vergeetagtige Ongesteldheid.

Dis hoe dit manifesteer:

Ek het besluit om my tuin nat te spuit.

Terwyl ek die spreier neersit, sien ek my kar het 'n was nodig.

Op pad garage toe sien ek die pos wat vroeer afgelewer is op die stoeptafeltjie le.

Ek besluit om deur die pos te kyk voordat ek die kar was.

Ek sit die karsleutels op die tafel, sit die gemorspos in die boks onder die tafel, en sien dat hy vol is.

Ek los al die rekeninge toe op die tafel sodat ek eers die boks gemorspos kan leegmaak, en besluit ek kan netsowel die rekeninge betaal, dan is dit afgehandel.

Ek vat my tjekboek wat op die tafel le, en sien daar is net een tjek oor.

My nuwe tjekboek is in my studeerkamer, en daar kry ek toe sommer die beker koffie wat ek aan 't drinke was.

Die koffie is al koud, dus maak ek vars koffie.

Op pad kombuis toe met die koue koffie tref die potplant my oog en ek sien hy is droog.

Ek sit die koffie op die kombuistafel en ontdek my leesbril wat al heel oggend soek is.

Ek besluit dit sal goed wees as ek eers die bril bere, maar ek moet eers die potplant water gee.

Ek sit die bril terug op die toonbank, vul 'n houer met water en sien skielik die TV se afstandbeheer wat iemand op die tafel laat le het.

Ek besef as ons vanaand wil TV kyk, gaan ons die ding soek - dis beter as ek hom op sy plek terugsit, maar ek moet eers die plant natgooi.

Ek gooi water in die pot, maar mors die meeste op die vloer.

Ek sit die TV-ding terug op die tafel en vat 'n handdoek om die vloer droog te maak Toe stap ek in die gang af en probeer onthou wat ek wou doen.

Teen sononder:

Is die kar nog vuil.

Die rekeninge is nie betaal nie.

Daar staan 'n koppie koue koffie op die kombuistoonbank.

Die potplant kort nog water.

Ek kry nie die afstandbeheer nie.

My bril is weg.

En ek weet nie wat ek met die karsleutels gemaak het nie.

03-14-2015, 06:44 PM

03-14-2015, 08:35 PM
Moer, ma hulle gaan baie papierwerk doen!

03-18-2015, 10:44 PM
woman = time x money (universal truth)
but time also = money
thus woman = money x money
or woman = money(squared)

If we then take the hypothesis that money is the root of all evil:
woman = (root)evil(squared)


03-19-2015, 07:49 AM
I finally received my tax return for 2013 back from the SARS.

It puzzles me!

They are questioning the number of dependents I claimed?
I guess it was because of my response to the question: "List all dependents?"

I replied:
16 million unemployed people;
8 million illegal immigrants;
1,5 million drug dealers;
nearly a million people in overcrowded prisons;
234 members of Parliament
and a useless President with 6 wives........
SARS suggest that this is NOT correct?
I’m really becoming forgetful in my old age...!!!!

03-19-2015, 07:56 AM
An Engineer or A Doctor?

An Engineer was unemployed for long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and erects a sign outside: "Get your treatment for R500, if not treated get back R1,000."

One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn R1,000 and goes to his clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost taste in my mouth."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be R500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"

Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be R500."

The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."

Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this R1,000."

Doctor: "But this is R500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back!

That will be R500."

Hahahahahahaha GIVE THAT ENGINEER A BELLS !!!!

03-19-2015, 08:21 AM

03-19-2015, 09:17 PM
Ek lees nou die storie van die muishond. Mense, ek het lanklaas gehuil van die lag. Dankie hiervoor. Ek het nou amper dieselfde gedoen as Loopy, toe 'n perdeby nou besluit dit is tyd om op my hand te kom sit ;-)

03-19-2015, 09:47 PM

Super glue jou lekker ding, hahahaha.

03-19-2015, 09:49 PM
Dit is oorlog en die oom en tannie vlug uit die huis om elders skuiling te soek. Die tannie stop skielik in haar spore en haar man vra: "En nou vrou?" Sy antwoord: "Ek het my valstande in die huis vergeet." Die oom s: "KOM, hulle gooi bomme nie toebroodjies nie!"

03-19-2015, 10:11 PM
'n Predikant in 'n klein gemeentetjie het moeilikheid met die kollektes, wat maar yl is. Een Sondag kondig hy aan: 'Nou, voor ons die dankoffers opneem, wil ek graag versoek dat die persoon wat die hoenders uit broer Condill se hoederhok gesteel het, hom- of haarself asb. sal weerhou van 'n bydrae. Die Here wil nie 'n dief se geld h nie!' Die kollektesakkies word uitgedeel, en vir die eerste keer in maande gee elkeen iets.

03-20-2015, 01:35 PM
The daughter asks her Dad, "Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me, that I didn't understand."
"He said that I have a beautiful chassis, lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

Her Dad said, "You tell your boyfriend that if he opens your bonnet and tries to check your oil with his dipstick."
"I will tighten his nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will start leaking out of his exhaust pipe."

03-25-2015, 06:02 AM
"Game Ranger" met toeriste is seker 'n baie moeilike werk. Ek dink partymaal die geweer is om die toeriste mee te skiet en nie die diere nie..


03-26-2015, 10:13 AM
Die knaap wonder seker watter venster om te gebruik.Eish big problem.


03-26-2015, 10:54 PM
Gelukkig het hy n selfoon

03-27-2015, 09:00 PM
Edward Longshanks het met 4 000 troepe Suid-Afrika toe gekom om die Boere op te foeter. By die slagveld gekom sien hy doer in die verte op 'n koppie staan 'n figuur met blonde hare, kortbroek aan met 'n kam in sy kous.
"Rooinek!" skree die Boer op die koppie. "Kom hier jou Engelse moer! I will gives you one helluva gatskop!"
Edward draai om na sy bevelvoerder en s: "Take 20 men and deal with that Boer upstart!"
Die bevelvoerder stuur 20 man om die Boer te gaan soek.
Tien minute later staan die Boer weer op die koppie. "You! English donner! Stuur the rest of your Rooinekke. I will f.. them almal op!"
Edward raak nou ietwat gerriteerd en s vir die bevelvoerder: "Take 100 men and kill that little guttersnipe!"
Die bevelvoerder stuur 100 man oor die koppie.
'n Rukkie later staan die Boer so waar as wragtig weer op die randjie en skree: "Hey, you ....! I is just warming up! Come moer me dik!"
Toe verloor Edward kop en stuur 400 troepe om die Boer dood te maak.
Tien minute later staan die Boer maar weer daar. Sy klere is geskeur en sy hare staan wild. Dis net snot, bloed en Castle. Weer skree hy: "Is dat de best ye can do? You bloody vrot pommies! Come on, come and have a go julle souties! Kom klap me stukkend!"
Rooi in die gesig s Edward vir die bevelvoerder: Take the rest of the men and don't come back untill you have killed him!"
Vyf minute later kom een van die troepe al gillende en vol bloed oor die randjie gestorm: "You majesty!" skree hy, "It's a trap! There are two of them!"

03-27-2015, 09:12 PM
Meer Uitdrukkingsvolle Afrikaans
Minder konvensionele (maar meer beskrywende) Afrikaanse vertalings vir Engelse woorde.

backseat driver = skouervlieg
balls-up = knaterflater
blind date = moljol / steekproef
brandy = polisiekoffie
cabby hole = vroeteldoos
chaperone = volverskrikker
dagga = rondkyktwak
doggie bag = brakkiepakkie / woefkardoes
face-lift = hysbakkies
go-go girl = wikkeldoedie
hairdresser = dollaklitser
helmet = pletterpet
make-up = jeugdeeg
massage parlour = streelperseel
pimp = hoerboer
quikie = japtrapkap
rapper = rymkletser
sales rep = kommissiekabouter
stapler = draaddrukkertjie / papiervampier
stew = vleismoles
stress = gemoedsbekakking
tantrum = baba-dans / vloermoer
toi-toi = vakbond-vastrap / williewerkie-wals
toothbrush = bekskrop
toyboy = katelknapie / pompjoggie

04-08-2015, 01:31 PM
"Ole Blue"

A young cowboy from Montana goes off to college.
Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all his money .... he calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here in Alabama that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says "and I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.

"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!?" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class." The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem.

At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read.

So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".

"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"

The father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying SOB before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to law school, and now serves in Washington D.C. as a Congressman.

04-09-2015, 07:27 AM
http://i1372.photobucket.com/albums/ag341/akska2/PappaSe_zpsxqkgcgdj.jpg (http://s1372.photobucket.com/user/akska2/media/PappaSe_zpsxqkgcgdj.jpg.html)

04-09-2015, 07:58 AM
Enige ander voorstelle? Miskien gaan die een 'n bietjie te ver in ons verlede in ...


04-09-2015, 10:57 AM
Omtrent die voorstel van 524. Gaan Zuma en Mbeki nie geaffronteer voel wanneer Malema vir ook Paul vervang nie.

04-15-2015, 08:11 AM

04-15-2015, 11:23 AM
Die is nie 'n grap nie, maar mens moet seker maar lag want vir die regering help huil en bid blykbaar nie!


04-25-2015, 07:38 AM

04-27-2015, 07:25 AM
Dit is toe al die tyd die SA bankwese wat verantwoordelik is vir die aanblaas van vreemdelinge haat...
Elke autobank teller in SA bevat 'n plakker wat lees: "Moet nie vreemdelinge vertrou nie."

04-29-2015, 07:18 AM
"Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?"

Me: "Nope, I do not do interviews with government people!"

04-29-2015, 07:45 AM

04-29-2015, 07:56 AM

04-29-2015, 01:44 PM
Ek is seker hy is in die politiek!!

04-29-2015, 04:45 PM
Ek weet nie watse bloedgroep my vrou is nie, al wat ek weet is haar bloed kan kook!

04-29-2015, 05:21 PM
Ek stel voor jy maak nou die koffie (so 'n paar liefdeswoordjies op die koop toe) voordat jy dalk in die toekoms hier gesels met 'n ou fyn stemmetjie.